Angel: Awww babies are so cute!
God: Make them scream
Angel: W-why?
God: DO I TELL YOU HOW TO DO YOUR JOB CARL?
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I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day.
If you ever get drugged by someone and they steal an organ, just check Craigslist.
That’s probably where I’m selling it at.
My neighbor mentioned that her husband has baby soft feet, and don’t think I’m not going to bring that up every time I see him from now on.
Grandma baked a cake for the team but her use of punctuation made it sound sarcastic
It’s like my dad always used to say, “Don’t go around acting like the Village idiot.”
The anxious urge to say “no worries either way” when you are actually worrying both ways plus a secret third way
if by “picking up hotties at the club” you mean going to costco for rotisserie chicken then yeah i am
[Gets soccer schedule, 8am Saturday games]
*Tells junior he didn’t make the team*
When a shoelace touches your ankle
me to the fake CIA agent: okay so you need me to put all my savings in a shoe box? all $387?
scammer: you know what never mind
I called my 2yo handsome today and he proceeded to stare at his hands for the next 5 minutes.
did… did they arrest the mountain lions
*looks up from pestle and mortar
“Powdering this baby is HARD!”
In my opinion it’s the aborted fetus’ fault for not carrying a gun for protection
Me, watching you order just one pizza and there’s four of us: I guess you’re an optimist
PRO SURVIVAL TIP: Don’t go through that door that mysteriously opened all by itself in that 300 year old hotel with a tragic past.
Toddler, sleepily: “A lot of people live in our house.”
Me: “Momma, Matty, and me. That’s all.”
Toddler, pointing behind me: “And them too.”
I turn to see an empty hallway. I’m 99% certain it was an empty hallway.
“You can’t have your cake and eat
it too”People that don’t know how cake
works.
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
“To compliment my hair?”
Cop: [looking down moving toe around in the dirt] Maaaaybe.
*Werewolves spot a group of teens smoking pot around a campfire*
Werewolf 1: Edibles!
I finally found my wife’s hiding spot for the Girl Scout cookies. Turns out they were in the cabinet like she showed me right after we bought them
Last night at dinner my 6 year-old asked me what the most dangerous shark was and I said ‘The Loan Shark’ so naturally I received an email from his teacher this morning.
Growing up,
I knew my Mom meant business when she started yelling words I didn’t know existed.
Just finished my first painting.
Tasted awful.
No, your baby was definitely crying before I dropped it, that’s why I dropped it.
I understand why there were reindeer named Dasher, Dancer and Prancer, but how did Vixen earn her name. What is Santa hiding
garage sales are a great place to find extra stuff for you to throw away when you move
Sometimes I like to wear a robe to the grocery store, pull out a tape measure, start measuring various vegetables, and let shopper imaginations run wild
My hair is 100% organic, but it has been tested on animals. Portions may have been used to drape over cats’ heads to make little wigs.
“Well gentlemen… the steaks are high.”
*two steaks giggle*
“Hehehe omfg he totally knows, man…”