me to the fake CIA agent: okay so you need me to put all my savings in a shoe box? all $387?
scammer: you know what never mind
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Me: Do I get naked now or at the end? I’ve never done this before and I’m really nervous.
Priest: For the love of god, just kiss the bride.
I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.
Why aren’t we using these t-shirt cannons for burritos?
My wife wants me to stay on twitter because she doesn’t want me to tell her 10 jokes a day.
Me: I’m going to be a great doctor one day
My patient: [bleeding out] when
My 9yo took the time to make this sign rather than just throwing the bag away herself, I’m gonna need a minute
I’m always tonguing my cyanide tooth in case someone wants to tell me about their journey.
No, I always make this wincing face when I talk to people saying awful shit. It’s not just you.
me: my boss is working me to the bone
my dog: hell yeah
Of course I regularly eat international cuisine. Only last week I had cyrillic alphabetti spaghetti.
My review of Godzilla vs Kong is the same as for the last four flicks:
NEED LESS HUMAN TALKY TALKY
NEED MORE MONSTER PUNCHY PUNCHY
Everybody knows Tuesdays are the second marriage of the week. Optimistic. Hopeful. Definitely not like Monday, that so-and-so.
OMG MOM SHUT UP IM TRYING TO SUMMON THE DARK LORD TO PLAY SCRABBLE YES I WANT A HAM OMELETTE
This is a true ally.
horror movie
– but it’s just her throwing on the hallmark channel after handcuffing me to the bedposts
Scrooge: you there, girl, what day is it?
Rebecca Black: *inhales*
the grim reaper driving a taxi full of meats and cheeses call it death cab for charcuterie.
I slept well. My eyebrows evidently tossed and turned.
I have eaten all the Halloween candy, so this year trick or treaters are getting Taco Bell’s hot sauce packets
son: Where’s mom? I need her to sign my permission slip
me: I can do it
son: My teacher said it has to be an adult
heard you like bad girls so I squeezed lemon juice on my fish even though the waiter grabbed me & was like “no, there’s already lemon on it”
I’m so scared of shoplifters I immediately shoot anyone who walks into the store. I don’t even work here.
pretty sure the fire pigeons aren’t gonna care about your silly little sign
Sun Tzu: to beat your enemy you must become your enemy
Me [overweight; hungover; eating breakfast ice cream]: way ahead of you
I love how my car’s check engine light turns off. Of course this means the engine has healed on its own.
[Me flirting with a twenty something]
Him: When last did you get lit?
Me: This morning. It was really sunny so I was well illuminated.
who called it a toilet and not an IP address
Got booked for a last minute gig tonight but I knew it wasn’t prank because the pay was too low.
The best way to avoid unnecessary arguments with your sexual partner is by agreeing the price in writing before you start.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
Boss: I’m sorry but you’re fired
Me: But I’ve poured my blood, sweat, & tears into my work!
Boss: Exactly. Cupcake sales are down 75%