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“hey, aren’t you the guy from high school who would disagree with everything?”
no
*goes back to group of friends*
was it him?
“I don’t know”
She once called me bae so I had to baeurry her in my backyard..
The chip dip i ate with a spoon may not have helped my weight loss, but the diarrhea it gave me sure did.
Show someone you love them today by rearranging the apps on their phone.
127 hours but when he finally cuts his arm it’s a cake
I like my women how I like my straws ….
Bendy and full of liquor.
EARTH: with your vast wealth you could stop poverty 90 times over
ELON MUSK: [daydreaming] I’m going to put ice cream trucks on the moon
if an undercover cop ever tries to sell you drugs make a citizens arrest for possession with intent to sell
*dinosaur at zoo roars at me*
“ROAR”
whoa wat kimd of dinosaur is this
“GROWL”
hmm
“SHOUT”
hmmm
“YELL”
hmmmmm
“HOLLER”
oh its a thesaurus
Did I say feelings? I meant uhhh sandwiches. I have sandwiches for you.
Dating tip:
Don’t offer to pay.
It’s a sign of weakness.
Build trust through mutual agreement to steal.No one suspects the “happy couple.”
Anonymously I asked kids (aged 6) to write new years resolutions. Here are some favorites…
“Eat more butter”
“Build a mud hut”
“Learn to drive”
“Try my hardest at everything but not maths”
“Make a new language”
“Invent Google”
I’d rather babysit for five toddlers than one parrot.
I had no idea we were millionaires until I just saw my husband casually rip off 3 or 4 paper towels at once.
Every time I see a sign that says “Right lane ends,” I’m like, so does everything else, deal with it
To level the playing field, online dating sites should require using the picture in your driver’s license.
While in restaurants as a kid, my parents would pay by credit card in a machine that looked like it could take your finger off
There’s nearly 50 million kangaroos in Australia and there’s nearly 5 million people in Phoenix.
If the roos got together & decided to invade Phoenix, each person would have to fight 10 kangaroos.
3.
The number of times you can flip a grilled cheese sandwich before you notice that you have the pan on the wrong burner…cuz of Twitter.
My neighbor’s dogs are named Calvin and Klein. They’re boxers.
Is it the 5 second rule or the 10 second rule?
Well, either way, I wouldn’t worry too much about any germs. Here’s your baby back.
I’m in that fun part of a relationship where everything is new and exciting and we are learning things about each other and I don’t poop.
I have a stomach ache and my husband is mad at me for eating the peanut butter out of the mouse traps.
[my first day as a 911 operator]
*eating peanut butter with a spoon* 911 wath er mumergy
Fun fact, the American alligator (Alligator mississippiensis) has enough bones in its body to make up an entire alligator skeleton.
i dont care if people dislike me, but if a pet ignores me, i will hit them up nonstop & keep changing my look drastically until they love me
Walked into a spider web and did an hour of tai chi in five seconds.
In case you were looking for a sign to lock your car doors – this is it
My wife just pulled me into the other room and I thought she wanted to have a serious talk but she just wanted to give me m&m’s without the kids seeing.