My neighbor’s dogs are named Calvin and Klein. They’re boxers.
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Look at this
Hmm I don’t really wanna commit 2 hours to watching a movie
*watches 12 straight hours of a tv show on Netflix*
WHERE WAS OBAMA DURING THE SAN FRANCISCO EARTHQUAKE OF 1906???
Behind every successful woman is a Man who let her down.
i’ll have the chicken finger platter & my lovely wife will have
*hands over coupon
something of equal or lesser value
FRIEND: What’s your type?
ME: In guys or in blood?
*weighs self after shaving
which auto response should i send back to my dentist?
I bet everyone had that one weird uncle who taught them how to do weird stuff like forage for berries or catch upstream salmon in their mouths and sleep for 6 months at a time just like my Uncle Bear
*reading instructions on how to escape killer bees
“Run away, get inside, and turn off lamps so they’re not attracted to the lights.”
This is my action plan for avoiding neighbors, so I’m ready for this.
A fortnight is equal to 14 nights. Unless you live in a fort; it is equal to one night. Fort math is only complicated to non-fort dwellers.
Show me someone who says they haven’t used chemistry since school and I’ll show you someone who doesn’t ignore warnings on bathroom cleaners
[in the woods]
Me: *rescues a deer from a bear trap*
Deer: I have a boyfriend
Asking my 8YO to go to bed is like arguing with an opera singer singing heavy metal
We can put a man on the moon but we can’t find a good way to drink wine from a lying down position.
when I put “???” In a conversation, this is exactly my face behind the phone lol
My ex was saved in my phone as “the antichrist” until my children were able to read.
*covers puddle with a jacket so a lady won’t get her shoes wet*
LADY: MY JACKET!!!
[koolaid man typing into webmd]
My pee is red.
#rubbishjokes
What do you call the soft tissue between a shark’s teeth?The slowest swimmer.
Me: I need one of those thingamajigs.
Receptionist: What?
Me: You know a doohickey.
Receptionist: This is a—
Me: *snaps fingers* Ah! a triple bypass heart surgery.
My next-door-neighbor is such a bitch that regardless of what she says to me; I simply reply, “You’re barking up the wrong tree.”
When you’re over 40 and a part of your body starts hurting for no reason that is nature sending a “what ya doing?” text.
Eating some turkey? Put gravy on it. Mashed potatoes dry? Try gravy. Headache? Shot of gravy. Depressed? More gravy. Lost a limb? Gra
My mind: Age is just a number!
My lower back: Lolololololol
If you want your kid to repeat doing something then just say “don’t do that!”
Astronauts are cowards, why don’t you stay down here and face earth’s problems like a man
me: the show is at 7, want to get there at 6:45?
dad: sure 6 it is
me: i said 6:45
dad: yup 6
me: 6:30?
dad: right we’re on the same page, 6
me: we don’t need to get there an hour early
dad: we can’t arrive right at showtime
me: there are other options
dad: i don’t understand
We had a friend install a door for us and now every time we see him he asks us “How’s that door holding up?” and this is why you hire strangers to do house repairs.
My wife spent six weeks researching customer reviews of vacuum cleaners and one time I bought a new car because I had the same dog as the guy on the commercial.