Hey if a public bathroom door is locked don’t forget to try to repeatedly open it and give the person using it paralyzing anxiety
Hmm I don’t really wanna commit 2 hours to watching a movie
*watches 12 straight hours of a tv show on Netflix*
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I’m so much like a noodle when I shower. sit in hot water for 7-8 minutes and become soft, squishy, and delicious afterwards
No. I wasn’t being sarcastic.
I was being a giraffe.
Her: I have to urinate
M: Well, YOU’RE a 10!
H: Huh? No! You’re like a 5. I gotta pee.
5-year-old daughter: *looks in the mirror* Can you get me something to match my cowboy boots?
5-year-old: A horse.
Historical fact: The term “bro” originated over a hundred million years ago and was short for brontosaurus.
Just donated blood. I hope whoever gets it likes wine.
Bears hibernate in the winter just to get away from Christmas music…
You think you have it rough, try driving with two Pringles cans on your hands
The Church used to teach that all babies that die go to Limbo, but it was easy for them because they’re so short.