@str8upjuggahos

Hmm I don’t really wanna commit 2 hours to watching a movie

*watches 12 straight hours of a tv show on Netflix*

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@thedad

Hey if a public bathroom door is locked don’t forget to try to repeatedly open it and give the person using it paralyzing anxiety

@_Justin_Stepien

I’m so much like a noodle when I shower. sit in hot water for 7-8 minutes and become soft, squishy, and delicious afterwards

@UncleDuke1969

[loud bar]

Her: I have to urinate
Me: What?
H: Urinate
M: What?
H: URINATE!
M: Well, YOU’RE a 10!
H: Huh? No! You’re like a 5. I gotta pee.

@XplodingUnicorn

5-year-old daughter: *looks in the mirror* Can you get me something to match my cowboy boots?

Me: What?

5-year-old: A horse.

@OhNoSheTwitnt

Historical fact: The term “bro” originated over a hundred million years ago and was short for brontosaurus.

@STRIKINGxVIKING

FUN FACT:

Bears hibernate in the winter just to get away from Christmas music…

@OfficeofSteve

You think you have it rough, try driving with two Pringles cans on your hands

@Hobo_Splendido

The Church used to teach that all babies that die go to Limbo, but it was easy for them because they’re so short.