Mood: Shredding documents but realizing I didn’t double check if they were the correct ones and now frantically searching for the Undo button on the shredder
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It’s adorable how breakfast assumes we’re all able to fast.
judge: objection sustained. will counsel please rephrase the question.
me: alright, which *specific* Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle would you make out with and why?
My favorite episode of House Hunters is the one where the couple wants an open floor plan, lots of natural light, and room to entertain.
wicked witch: I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little dog too
john wick: *blushing* you think i’m pretty?
“Go on, fake throw the ball again, Phil. I dare you.”
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The 70s had it right.
Back then, ugly people were allowed to make music.
Spent all day doing one of my favorite things ever – not dying. Score.
You can tell how much it’s going to cost you by the way your teenager sounds:
Mum! = £2 for an ice cream
Muuuum 🙂 = £50 for pointless trainers
Hello mummy, you look pretty today = remortgage the house
Fun trick: Swap guacamole with wasabi, then watch.
Cashier: Big weekend plans?
Me: *putting pile of microwaveable meals for one on counter* You know it.
*At hospital visiting a patient. Pulls emergency cord in bathroom*
Nurse: What’s the emergency ma’am?
Me: This toilet paper is on backwards.
mercenary: do you want this schrödinger guy dead or alive?
cat: *narrows eyes* yes
What if life is just a big test to see how well we all treat birds?
“I just happen to love birds!” I yell out the window unconvincingly
“i saw your ex” – a truly unnecessary piece of information
me: [hiring a hitman] now how can we make my songs better
Comedy booker: how much time can you do?
Me: I have an hour
Comedy booker: there might be children there
Me: I have 7 seconds
My friends are like “hey come camping with us this weekend” & I’m like “I can’t, I have to get new friends”
Sleeping Beauty has a pretty good situation going on until Prince Charming came and screwed it up.
Alexa doesn’t hear when I ask her a direct question but will hear me mumbling from across the room so I can only assume she’s related to my husband
Is this your resume?
“Yep”
It just says you used to leave shit at your friends’ doors, ring the bell & run away
“Oh yes”
Welcome to UPS!
Them: What would you do with a million dollars?
Me: Pay off student loans.
Them: And with the rest?
Me: lol “the rest.”
European out-of-offices: “I’m away camping for the summer. Email again in September”
American out-of-offices: “I have left the office for two hours to undergo kidney surgery but you can reach me on my cell anytime”
I knew that psychic wasn’t legit when she let me write a check.
When do I get to find my nice Canadian girl to settle down with and have flannel babies?
Me: I heard the Herpes Virus is linked to Alzheimers.
Pharmacist: True. Name please.
Me: I have no idea.
[First Date]
Her: Your Tinder profile says you’re a great listener
Me: Really. Ugh. That’s a typo. It should say I’m a “great listener.”
I’m so tired, I’m thinking of visiting my grandma just so I can take a swig outta her oxygen tank.
I often say to myself, “I can’t believe my cloning machine worked!”
God: i’m sorry the answers no.
Jellyfish: please?
God: it’s just too ridiculous.
Jellyfish: don’t I deserve a best friend?
God: yes but-
Jellyfish: pretty please? : (
God: I can’t just make a PeanutButterfish