I knew that psychic wasn’t legit when she let me write a check.
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I posted happy birthday bunny to my husband on Instagram. I’ve never actually called him bunny, but I didn’t have my glasses on and it was early in the morning and I meant to say baby and anyway, he’s bunny now. Forever.
that awkward moment when a friend is complaining about their spouse, but you start to identify with the spouse
wtf guy on bumble was like “I don’t like bumble can we talk on snap?” I was like “I don’t have snap u can message me on insta” and he was like “I don’t have insta what about kik” I was like “I don’t have kik what abt comments section of youtube video” and he unmatched me
RIP to whoever is about to receive the literal wall of text currently being drafted by the person sitting in front of me on the train. It begins with “my feelings on our situation have not changed,” so godspeed
When you love bacon, but you also love your pet pig:
[date doesn’t cry at the beginning of Up]
“I think we should see other people.”
What do you call a man with no car???
…an Uber.
When in Texas…
*heads into the desert*
*hugs cactus*
*shoots said cactus*
*rides off into the sunset on horseback*
[at hotel]
Friend: Heard your wife last night…she’s a screamer
[flashback to my toenail scratching her leg in bed]
Me: Yep, nailed her
Me: *eating my 3rd bowl of spicy chili*
Her: OMG you are not sleeping with me tonight
M: *eats spicy chili for the rest of my natural life*
superman: nice car does it have gps
batman: no
superman: then how do you know where you’re going
batman: *starts screaming*
Ever since my boss discovered my Twitter account, these drug tests are seeming a lot less ‘random’.
Store Clerk: Happy holidays
Me (angrily): Merry…CHRISTMAS
Clerk (even angrier): SEASON’S GREETINGS
[we just start choking each other]
I’m just a boy… Standing in front of a girl…
Her: “Move.”
Passer-by: hey buddy, do you have change for the phonebox?
Clark Kent: why would I change in a phonebox?
P: I didnt-
CK: I’m not Superman
Directions: Allow food to sit for five minutes before consuming.
Me: No.
#BadTimeTravelAdvice Plague, shmlague. 13th century Europe is where it’s at!
So I just watched Contagion and tbh, if they had watched the end of the film first, they could have saved a lot of lives.
5YO: Daddy, did you play Roblox as a kid?
8YO: *Interrupting* He didn’t have Roblox when he was kid. He would just play outside.
*Both start laughing*
Best thing about dead batteries is they are free of charge!
I said it out loud and I can’t stop giggling lmao
Every photo I’m tagged in
What kind of monster sits in a rocking chair and doesn’t rock
If you added too much cornstarch I feel bad for you hon
I got 99 problems, but a bisque ain’t one
When she says she needs more intimacy; she means your feelings, not your colonoscopy report.
Sorry, I can’t make it. Can’t find my “goin out” sweatpants.
No I won’t be attending your seance, I barely want to talk to the living
I feel bad for tailgating this minivan so closely but once I started watching Kung Fu Panda on his back seat TV I had to see it through.
No matter how handsome/beautiful you are, your passport picture or ID card will always find ways to humble you