Best thing about dead batteries is they are free of charge!
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Me: I build new bridges with the bones of my enemies.
Him: Please speak directly into the microphone.
Me: Not guilty, your Honor.
Sorry I called your huge zit pimple poppenheimer
What if ants aren’t insects at all but are vehicles that even smaller insects drive to work?
“Speed” remake with Scarlett Johansson as the bus
Do you have FB?
No
Do you have Twitter?
No
Instagram?
No
What do you have?
A life.
…
…
Can I have it?
No. I need it to play Candy Crush.
There was a time you couldn’t drive a computer if you didn’t have a driving license…
*holds up gun*
GIVE ME ALL YOUR HONEY!Bank: You mean money?
*giggles*
Oh, bother…– Pooh robbing a bank
HEY OFFICER, STOP SCREAMING AT ME TO PULL OVER, I’M DRUNK NOT DEAF
“What?”
– Jude
[stays up all night examining my issues and identifying which descriptors best express my feelings of dysregulation]
the second i get to therapy:
idk I just feel blah
My daughter insisted she wanted a snowball fight in the dark so we waited till the sun set, got our torches out and ran around laughing and freezing in the garden. When I asked her if she’d had fun, she looked me in the eyes and said “no mummy, it was dark”
Difference between Jenna Jameson & Mitt Romney? One does disgusting, amoral things for money; one’s a porn star.
Me: So how old were you when you hacked your first person?
Friend: 6th grade
Me: Wow, you were good with computers early on in life.
Friend: Computers?
BRB- gotta make a man fall in love with me so I can ask him, “would you still love me if I was a lamp?”
Drop a ring pop in front of him. If he picks it up and hands it back to you… Congratulations! You’re engaged.
It’s amazing how fast the first 30 minutes of work just fly by when you show up a half hour late for work.
Women never find it devilishly charming when I follow them into the lady’s room. Thanks a lot, “Top Gun”.
Tinder date: Do you have any religious beliefs?
Me: *Motions vaguely in the direction of the refrigerator*
*goes outside*
*realises it’s entirely too windy to be wearing a skirt*
*regrets today’s choice of underwear*
Son: mom, you wanna dance with me?
Me, who has no rhythm: *dances*
Son: maybe you can just watch me instead.
I like to keep our shades open at night to scare off any potential thieves with our mess
My toddler woke up upset because he couldn’t find his glasses, but what really set him off was when I told him he doesn’t even wear glasses.
KID: *falls out of tree* I’m fine
ADULT: *sleeps on neck a little strangely* I have to turn my whole body to look at you for the next week
Excuse me miss, you’re a cat – a man who doesn’t know how to cat call
-hey lucifer. did it hurt
-did what hurt
-when you fell from heaven
-for the last time gabriel i am not going out with you
You could murder someone in California and they wouldn’t even arrest you as long as you properly composted the body.
My TC has found the love of her life. Her husband disagrees but her boyfriend is happy. I am so conflicted right now 😭
Receptionist:
“That lady in the waiting room is picking her nose.”Plastic Surgeon:
“Good! That’ll save me some time. Send her right in.”
I think there should be a mandatory test at 16 that you have to pass and if not, you get neutered or spayed.
Perks of dating me : I’m too lazy to cheat on you