I enjoy visiting countries where I don’t speak the language because it requires zero effort to tune out everyone around me.
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AAA is king of the junk mail. Once a week I get an envelope that looks like divorce papers and inside it’s like “time to split… with roadside anxiety”
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss… but you won’t miss.
You’ve trained your whole life for this.
Take the shot.
Kill the moon.
Me: happy valentines day
Neil Degrasse Tyson: *slaps heart-shaped box out of my hands* an actual heart is shaped nothing like that
Sick of people telling me to “calm down” and “release the hostages.”
I WILL NOT click on your tinyurl link, no matter what people are saying about me.
A very large bee just flew by and dropped a big spider on me. What kind of sick collaboration is this?
Need WebMD
Who did this…? 💫⚡️
[Police Line up]
Cop: Please point to the one who cut your arms off
Me:
My wife said: Pls go to shop & buy a carton of Milk & if they have eggs, get six. I came back with Six cartons of Milk & told they had eggs.
Hand dryers are a great way to see how your hands look while skydiving.
My onlyfans account is just me trying to trim my toenails and breathe at the same time
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: heavy-handed product placement
professor kfc: that’s finger lickin’ good
It’s faster just accepting that a fish learned to walk and then everything got weirder.
Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks.
Wife: We need a mattress.
Salesman: Try them by getting into your usual sleeping position.
Wife: [lays on mattress]
Me: [heads to sofa dept]
I work in the entertainment industry, so the only way I could lie more is if I worked in politics.
When do zombies decide whether they’re gonna eat you or enlist you?
my uncle walked in to chistmas, filled a plate, ate in a separate room, and left. he was here 4 minutes
“how to handle stress like a dog: if you can’t eat it or play with it,
Pee on it and walk away.”
Wife: an asteroid is on it’s way!
Hubby: Did you order that from Amazon too?
[going thru airport security]
“Please turn your laptop on”
*I start to stroke it’s audio input*
“That’s not what I-‘
Me: No no it likes this
One of the fake rooms at Ikea should just be a couple fighting as they try to put the furniture together
Teenager grumpily walks into the kitchen rubbing her eyes.
Me: Oh, I’m sorry, did me making my lunch at 11 AM disturb your slumber?
People are like snowflakes. Individually small and ineffective, but if we work together we can make my step dad crash his car into a tree.
I don’t know about you, but I could really go for a punch in your face right now.
Arrested by a cop on a tandem bike and I had to help pedal all the way down to the precinct. 😠
[11am]
Me: oh look, it’s sunny out.
Me: I should go running.
Me: or swimming!
Me: these Doritos are delicious.
I bet nobody noticed Superman flying around at first, so Clark just started pointing out every bird and plane until it caught on
My arm could be chopped off and I could be covering the wound with paper towels and my wife would be like, “Too many. You’re wasting them!”