*hangs a vacant sign on your forehead*
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8yo: Can you just say nothing?
3yo: Nothing
8yo: No, just say nothing
3yo: Nothing!
8yo: No, can you just be silent?
3yo:
3yo: NOTHING!
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
Has anybody tried unplugging Congress and then plugging it back in??
My family has a proud tradition of hunting down the worst possible person we can find, and then marrying them.
I wonder if Disney Princesses take BuzzFeed quizzes to find out which bored stay-at-home mom they are.
Trying to find the $59 airfare advertised by Southwest is the adult version of Where’s Waldo.
I tell people I broke my neck playing sports but it was actually from flicking my ponytail to unleash ancient curses.
“The house always wins,” muttered Dorothy as she stared at the witch’s crushed body.
*quietly tries to open bag of chips while fiancé is reading her wedding vows*
If I were Noah, I’d be grabbing two of every bottle of alcohol
PILOT: Welcome to flying school. Any questions?
ME: Is it possible to crash into a rainbow?
PILOT: Yes it’s how most of you will die. Next?
My Jehovah Witness girlfriend dumped me this new year, but I’m not that worried though.
She’ll come back knocking!!!
BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels
I can’t commit to plans with friends who wear fitbits.
-“No, I don’t want to take the stairs again, you psycho.”
constantly torn between wanting to eat snacks and wanting to look like one
Name dog. Call dog every derivative of that name but the actual name.
Colleagues confronted me about my terrible similes. Like crows trapped in a Smucker’s jar, I’d have to murder my way out of yet another jam.
Going into a teenagers room is like going to IKEA…
You only go in for one thing, but you come out with 6 mugs, a cake tin, and a set of cutlery!
Protip: If your wife says the cord on the vacuum cleaner is too short, it doesn’t mean she’s asking for an extension cord for her birthday.
Of course he’s going to get re-elected, because once you go Black…
[1983]
FRIEND: Let’s play monsters! I’ll be a werewolf, and you lock me in the closet because it’s a full moon. Don’t let me out!
ME: Hahaha, cool!
[just now]
ME: OH SHIT BILLY
I said I was thinking about you. I left out the part with the wood chipper.
Imagine getting your card declined at an exorcism and having them put all of your demons back.
Dropped a peanut butter cracker and no one came running so of course my first thought was that the dogs had been raptured.
I’ve invented a new cologne that is just one part bug spray and three parts campfire
Marriage is not a noun; it’s a verb.
Kinda like crying, screaming, or dying.
If we’ve gone swimming together you can be certain that at some point you’ve swam through my pee
Me: You never told me you were on the debate team in college..
Her: Yes I did.
Me: No you didn’t.
Her: Yes I did.
Me: Oh you’re good!
“What kind of dog do you have?”
“Half Boxer, 1/4 Poodle, 1/8 Tibetan Mastiff, 1/8 Catahoula Leopard Dog”
“And what kind of cat?”
“Orange”
Dear friend, if you ever feel bad, call me.
I promise to sing for you.
Then you can decide what’s worse.