A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
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A lemonade stand is a good way to teach your kids the value of someone giving you money because they feel sorry for you.
It’s kind of cool when athletes exchange jerseys after a game but trying this with your doctor after a prostate exam isn’t the same, so he said.
My IQ used to be higher than my weight, but now I’m fat and dumb.
did I “kill a plant” or did the plant not have what it takes to thrive in this fast-paced environment
Some call me Mike while others call me Jesus Christ, Mike.
when I was 8 i stayed for dinner at a friend’s house and at dinner his Mom asked how everyone’s day was and his Dad said ‘A corpse exploded in the van again, got some in Gary’s hair too.’ His Dad was a Funeral Director and i was not allowed to have dinner there anymore.
To prepare yourself for having a kid: Every night before bed say to your phone “Siri, Set an alarm. Surprise me.”
I am your dream girl if your dream girl suddenly dissapears into plumes of feathers and occasionally seeks vengeance against a betraying human by turning them into an oak tree. Also may or may not steal entire baguettes off window sills.
me, age 21: *pulls an all nighter* yay!
me, age 37: *sleeps the whole night* yay!
Me: *reads a lot, has many books, all things considered, a book person*
Person: So, what’s your favourite book?
Me: I cannot think of one book that I have read. I have never read a single book. What are books?
I tossed my billiard table into the bathtub.
Now I have a swimming pool.
My 7yo said she hurt herself, and when my 9yo asked her to describe the pain, she just yelled, “AAAAAAAHHHHH” 😭💀
If you bring back your paper bags at Whole Foods, they’ll give a refund of 5 cents. After a year you’ll have enough money to buy an orange.
my cats when I don’t feed them in a timely fashion
I’m “misinterprets hand gesture and accidentally high fives your fist” white.
*army rises out of ball pit*
dark lord: whose bright idea was it to put the portal here?
[they point to bob]
dark lord: you the man, bob
Accidentally played Pearl Jam and now every 40 year old white guy is sprinting towards my house
Apparently your bosses don’t like it when you refer to them as “you geniuses.”
My circle of trust is a meatball
“you are strong. you are smart,” i whisper to myself as i struggle to figure out whether to push or pull on a door
Me: this doesn’t seem right
Dentist: u know on tv when they say 9/10 dentists
M: yeah
D: im the one
*he resumes hitting my teeth w/ a comb*
Weird how my husband is so adamant about not having more animals for someone who’s going to own more animals.
my brain: eat
me: okay, what should we make
my brain: no make, only eat
My boyfriend thinks I ask “dumb questions” like “would you love me if I were a worm” and then turns around and asks me shit like do I think it would be funny if he started doing Patrick Bateman’s care routine as a bit
Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?
Me: hmm that’s a tough one. I guess I’d probably have to say listening is my biggest strength
Sister1: People can see your bra when you lean forward
Sister2: Yeah a beige one would be less noticeable than turquoise
Me: Well if they’re gonna get a peek it may as well be pretty
We can put a robot on Mars but we can’t make a hand rail that goes the same speed as an escalator.
i am going as a ‘credit card’ to this halloween party, cause i plan on being used irresponsibly.
[in the garden]
Me: Go grab the hose
Son: Okay[15 min later]
Son: *walks up with our neighbors*
Karen: Your son said that you needed Diane and I?
I can always tell, after reading the first page, if a script has, at least, two pages.