I’m “misinterprets hand gesture and accidentally high fives your fist” white.

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10 y/o daughter says she wants a job like mine someday because I’m “important but not that important” and my life story finally has a title.


Your restraining order says NO

But your lazy eye says…….maybe later.


No generation will ever be joked about as much as millennials.

Gen Z: Hold my tide pod…


Me: I would literally die for my friends, I love them so much

Therapist: but what about you? Do you love yourself enough to d-

Me: oh I would die for myself too


Would u watch a movie about a teenage boy who screams “I wish I was dead,” but God hears “Deb,” so he turns into his 50-yr old neighbor Deb?


I don’t believe Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back. He wouldn’t get any balance laying on his shell.


Me: look, I’m just saying if Superman could move faster than light, then he didn’t need to change in a phone booth
Her: you’re like the opposite of joy


“Hey dude, my eyes are up here, and over here, and over here too.”

-a potato


My girlfriend has 206 bones in her body. Now 207.

Now 206. Now 207. Now 206. Now 207….