@Marlebean

I’m “misinterprets hand gesture and accidentally high fives your fist” white.

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@Dad_At_Law

10 y/o daughter says she wants a job like mine someday because I’m “important but not that important” and my life story finally has a title.

@Gelatin_Cyborg

Your restraining order says NO

But your lazy eye says…….maybe later.

@TheBoydP

No generation will ever be joked about as much as millennials.

Gen Z: Hold my tide pod…

@KylePlantEmoji

Me: I would literally die for my friends, I love them so much

Therapist: but what about you? Do you love yourself enough to d-

Me: oh I would die for myself too

@bessbell

Would u watch a movie about a teenage boy who screams “I wish I was dead,” but God hears “Deb,” so he turns into his 50-yr old neighbor Deb?

@chuuew

I don’t believe Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back. He wouldn’t get any balance laying on his shell.

@rebrafsim

Me: look, I’m just saying if Superman could move faster than light, then he didn’t need to change in a phone booth
Her: you’re like the opposite of joy

@leannuh

“Hey dude, my eyes are up here, and over here, and over here too.”

-a potato

@ZiggyMcFuknuget

My girlfriend has 206 bones in her body. Now 207.

Now 206. Now 207. Now 206. Now 207….