I’m “misinterprets hand gesture and accidentally high fives your fist” white.
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Girlfriend: can you run to the gas station and get some gas
Me: sure
Gas station employee: how can I help you
Me: *sweating out of breath* gas please
Gas station employee: where’s your car
I told y’all leave these retail workers alone with the TikTok pranks 😭
Relationship status: just said goodnight to my living room.
[High school reunion]
Hey guys! Remember me!?
“No”
How about now? *puts an entire toilet on my head*
(in unison) CHRIS!
Librarian “SHHHHH”
*Turns lawnmower to low setting*
me: I was mugged by a snake
cop: was he armed?
me: *long pause* no
The Slow and The Furious: me navigating a shopping cart through a grocery store filled with morons.
HER: Shake what your momma gave you!
ME: *Tosses around crippling anxiety and male pattern baldness*
Murderer: If you correct my grammar once more, I’ll kill you
Me: But I couldn’t stop myself
Murderer: But you could of
Me: oh no
NASA just received data from 47-year old Voyager 1, which is 15 billion miles from earth. My daughter, who is 34 and lives six miles from me, still hasn’t returned my text.
My daughter bit off both ends of her chocolate bunny and is shouting through it like a megaphone, “Hello, is there anybunny in there?”
When your internet goes out and you are forced to get to know your surroundings
[on date]
Me, thinking: Compliment her, but don’t be weird.
Me, out loud: You have healthy-looking gums.
When I’m really bored at work I like to write “I’m watching you” on the toilet paper a few squares in just to mess with people.
The reason that there are so many tweets about cats is that people with dogs go outside.
I’m not saying I don’t like people… but if someone walks toward me in a library, I’ll plug my headphones into the book I’m reading.
Him: do you have a pen?
Me: yes. (walks away)
[me as a mechanic]
*wiping hands with a greasy rag* Yep, it’s haunted.
Customer: It’s-
Me: Haunted.
The chef asked me how I liked my eggs and I accidentally said uneasy instead of over easy. Now I have some uncomfortable eggs staring at me.
me: i need directions please
stranger: you need to go north and –
me: left or right
stranger: it’s a little more complex than that
me: *crying* LEFT OR RIGHT
Pro Tip: make your honeymoon boring and uninteresting so that the rest of your marriage feels like an improvement.
Went to the Planetarium to do some stargazing but I didn’t see one celebrity. Rip-off!
The best thing about alcohol hand gel in hospitals isn’t the hygiene, but that everyone walks around like they’re hatching a dastardly plan.
People with no volume control stress me out.
I’m sorry I can’t pay attention to you because I’m literally watching everyone else pay attention to you for this personal conversation. I feel like maybe they should just chime in since they’re probably invested now.
none of you hit me with your car this morning and now i have to go to work. thanks
me: I may have added too much salt
my snail girlfriend: my brothers will avenge me
Immediately after giving birth to me my mom was charged with crimes against humanity
If she’s “one-in-million” there’s 1,344 of her in China.
My friend says I’m self-absorbed, so I took a long, hard look at myself. Beautiful