TREE: [sees christmas tree thru window] who dose he think he is. all dressed up. too good to be outside
ANOTHER TREE: be nice, he is dying
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I know we’re not supposed to say this, but our second black president looks just like our first black president to me.
me, 1988: my dad calls everything by the wrong name. why doesn’t he know what anything is
me: 2018: calling my kid’s mindcraft game “computer legos” is way funnier than saying mindcraft and it pisses her off every time
Parents these days take their kids to the E.R for scraped knees and paper cuts..
When I was 11 I died and my mom told me to walk it off
Crazy that in 2017 auto-flush toilets still can’t distinguish between someone who’s peeing and someone crouching down to get a sip of water.
Thoughts that keep me awake….
why don’t flamingos have one really muscley leg?
*this tweet is brought to you by rum…*
I want Grandmmarly, the app that passive aggressively corrects my grammar but also mails me a 5 dollar bill on my birthday
I’m cat sitting for my daughter, and she sent me three pages of instructions, along with a video tutorial. Anyways, what’s a cat? She never specified that part.
*Brings an ukulele to a gun fight.
why are poetry books so expensiveee. each page will be like:
i am home.
if you knockand the book is $49.99
friend: wait, so she really left you because of how you pronounce certain words?
me: yeah, so supposebly I pronounce it “expresso” and it makes her exspecially upset, idk
This tweet was written by M. Night Shyamalan.
I bet you didn’t see that one coming.
My friend was too embarrassed to tell people she met her husband on Tinder so she started telling people she met him at a family reunion instead because that’s less awkward..
me: I’d like 2 copies of Math For Dummies
cashier: they’re $5 a piece
me: [sweating profusely] here’s $47.00
SUPERVILLAIN: [thrusting kryptonite into my side]
ME: How did you discover my weakness? [gasping for air] I… hate… being… stabbed…
Me: hi
Person who just got back from Europe: It was life changing. thank you for asking
My husband asked me why I never blink during sex, I told him there just isn’t enough time.
My horny ass could NOT have a banana cleaner 😭
Husband: On top of spaghetti, all covered with cheese.
Me: *heavy breathing* Keep going.
Fun prank:
1. Steal your married friends phone
2. Change your name to ‘Brandi from the club’
3. Call repeatedly at 3AM and hang up
I brought a load of laundry into the living room to fold, and my husband said, “You do this every day. I’m onto you. You just want to take a break.” So, anyway, in lieu of flowers please make a donation to the charity of your choice.
Hate when I lay out too close to the shoreline and the other beach goers team up to try to push me back in the water.
Always remember…. A mirror never lies.
(Fatty)
JUDGE: I’m going to hold you in contempt
ME [going in for a cuddle]: I don’t care how you do it
my mom yesterday: do u work tomorrow
me: yes
my mom today: do u work today
me: yes i already told u
my mom when i’m at work: where are u
“I am a gift to this earth.”
[Earth regifts me]
“I am a gift to KELT-1b of the Andromeda Galaxy”
The local casino is hosting a speed dating event.
Just what every woman needs, a new boyfriend with a gambling problem.
Sometimes I make myself feel important by thinking in a British accent.
My dad left to get a pack of cigarettes 30 years ago and still hasn’t come back. That’s why I never started smoking. I just don’t have the time.
My son wants a new iPhone for Christmas and I’m having fond memories of when he couldn’t talk.
A big difference between men and women I’ve found is that if a woman says ‘smell this’ it’s likely to smell nice.