when i mistake a brief silence during an argument with my wife as my turn to speak
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me: help, my house is burning down!
mrs doubtfire: *narrows eyes* prove it
I asked my son to take the garbage out and he immediately tried to pick up his brother and boys are fun.
*doesn’t know what to do for Earth Day
*buys Earth a $10 Amazon gift card
My therapist: try working on your active listening skills
Me: goes home and binges Peaky Blinders with no subtitles
“Yeah, well your dog isn’t a rescue, your snacks are processed and everyone knows you’re vaccinated” – how a kid talks shit in 2015
I just went for a morning run on the beach so it’s nice to know that exercise can ruin any setting.
INSURANCE REP: I’m afraid you’re going to need more coverage
ME: sorry I couldn’t find my pants this morning
Vin Diesel eats two meals a day:
1) Breakfast
2) Breakfurious
My toddler had a meltdown. I finally got her to use her words and she told me she doesn’t like the floor.
So. Yeah.
wife: ugh the baby’s been crying for hours, can you take over?
me: sure *starts crying for hours*
I threw out a jar of expired protein powder and some jacked up raccoons beat the shit out of me a week later.
Anxiety: get ready
Me: for what?
Anxiety: Get ready.
Me: For what?
Anxiety: GET READY!!!!!!!!!
Me: Gah! FOR WHAT?
*takes enough Xanax for an army* I have a killer headache
CW: *hands me 5 Advil*
Woah there brother I’m not about to OD here, 2 will do
Add a touch of magic to your allergies by filling your mouth with glitter before you sneeze.
*wife hangs a “No Diving” sign above the tub like that’s going to stop me*
Everyone talks about finding the one that makes their heart skip a beat. Personally I’m not looking to develop a heart problem
My cat has made it very clear that we will not be getting rid of the box that I want to get rid of.
Let me tell you something about how smart kids are these days. Child took my phone and aimed it at my face real quick so it unlocked then jumped on my SpongeBob game before I realized what was going on. That’s sleuth shit.
Him: I lost my dog today at the company picnic!
Me: You should post something on FaceBook.
Him: My dog isn’t on FaceBook.
Me:
Damn Girl, did you just get in a water balloon fight or are you happy to see me?
ME: Did you hear about the optometrist who fell into a lens grinder?
HER: Let me guess, he made a spectacle of himself?
ME: No. He died.
Wife: The kids made you these cakes for Father’s Day! What do you think of them?
Me: They’re awful. But at least they made me these cakes
I finished 3 books today. Believe me, that’s a lot of coloring…
If I’m flirting, you’ll know it by how uncomfortable you become.
Do you ever eat an individual-sized bag of chips and wonder what kind of “individual” only eats seven chips?
If I go in my purse and pull out items solely by shape, I never know if it’s gonna be a pen, a tampon, or a stick of beef jerky.
i am yelling at all my family members right now, does anyone need someone yelled at, WILL YELL FOR FREE
[taking my date for a walk in the woods]
HER: this sure is a dense forest
ME [trying to impress]: yeah it’s dumb as hell
Cheesecake Factory to start reopening restaurants but they will only have a limited 413-page menu.
How to cook the perfect amount of pasta:
1. Pour out how much you think you need
2. Wrong