I just went for a morning run on the beach so it’s nice to know that exercise can ruin any setting.
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Midwestern pride is suffering through cold morning temps in October without a coat because you don’t want to give Mother Nature the satisfaction and it will likely be summer again in the afternoon.
Any dogs trainers on this app? How do I train my dog to make margaritas?
I’ve been watching far to many episodes of Extreme Homes. I want one made of containers, w/solar panels,heated floors, recessed lighting, indoor pool w waterfall/swim up bar, and windows to the ocean & garden on my roof. Floating.
A hand grenade to a daycare? RT @McDonalds: #ShamrockShake is to spring as _____ is to _______.
“Hey honey”
*drags a cigarette*
“have you ever”
*drinks some scotch*
“slept with a guy”
*sucks a lollipop*
“with three arms?”
when its election nite and you get wasabi in your eye
*me dressed as the grim reaper*
What d’ye mean I’m not your type?
You want me to be your daddy? Then close the damn door, we’re not heating the outside!
Hey, let’s eat outside tonight so the flies can eat our food while the mosquitos eat us, & the kids eat nothing because they hate burgers today.
PLEASE DO NOT SUMMON WHEAT THINS FROM THE TOILET
Emily Dickinson: hope is the thing with feathers
Taxidermist: you’re fired
Conference calls are fun because no one knows I’m really home with massive diarrhea.
Boss: For the third time, PLEASE put us on mute.
With the holidays upon us, please dont forget what they stand for. Family, friends & punching strangers at the mall because they cut in line
{notices you’re wearing silver earrings}
sorry your ears came in 2nd
Many racist Trump supporters were stung by Clinton’s speech calling them a “basket of deplorables.” The rest had to go look up “deplorable.”
Note to self: Before committing any murders, get head and shoulders. Can’t be leaving DNA all over the place.
Donner? Party of 87? Your table is ready.
HER: Put down the bottle babe you have an alcohol problem.
ME: *spritzing doorknobs* I can stop any time I want.
You say potato, I say get the hell out of my bathroom
Didn’t realize how much motherhood had changed me until I army crawled in & out of my sleeping baby’s room to get my 1/2 cup of cold coffee.
[pulled over]
Cop: Have you been drinking?
Me: No
Cop: *tosses me a sock* Stand on one foot and put this on
Wanna spice up your marriage? Say this with a serious face.
I’m writing a song about this year, so far i have AAAAAAAAH OH MY GOD WHAT IS HAPPENING
Heading out crocodile.
See you another time alligator.
There are a lot of unspoken rules about complimenting a baby. It is ok to say ‘I could just eat him up!’ but apparently you should not go into detail about which recipe you would follow.
Last Halloween I had to explain to everyone that I was not a ghost with a boner, but I was just a ghost and I happened to have a boner.
Sure, Michelle Obama said those words first but Melania Trump had the imagination to say them like an operative in a cold war spy thriller.
He said I’d love to look into that beautiful brain of yours.
I said, ok but it’s just like watching a squirrel running through traffic trying to get to the other side really.
And they say flirting is hard.
2 pacs of eminems for 50 cents? Man that’s Ludacris