Dating in your 50’s is great!
Although my husband’s not that keen, tbh
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*sliding dj $4.65 in nickels* do you have the jurassic park theme?
Today’s kids will never know how to play Minesweeper – because neither did we 😂
Before you contemplate starting an argument with me just know I’ll be removing my pants and underwear for maximum effect.
(Extreme Depeche Mode voice): It’s a lot. It’s a lot. It’s a lot…seriously. it’s a parking lot.
I got fired from my job as a diesel
fitter in a panties factory.We would hold the panties up,
inspect them and say “Dese’ll fit her”
Him- I saw you over here sipping your wine.
Me- You clearly have me mistaken for another very attractive woman, because I don’t sip wine.
7 had questions about periods so I answered as best as I could and when I told her they happen every month, she burst into tears which is the appropriate response.
*picks out all the marshmallows from your Lucky Charms*
*replaces them with Flintstones vitamins*You looked a little sickly.
The best thing about cycling 5 miles on a stationary bike is not having to cycle 5 miles back again.
[crashing my bike]
spin class instructor: how did you do that
i once worked with someone who told customers “sorry, it’s my first day!” any time they messed up. for 2 years straight
Mornin. * use accordingly
21st century kid on Santa’s lap-“Yo santa, some more insta followers would be real dope for Christmas. Thanks bruh bruh”
The great thing about roadkill is you can teach your kid about wildlife and road safety simultaneously
Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids
11y/o: Thanks for packing my lunch today, but next time…I’m gonna need more chocolate.
Narrator: But there was not more chocolate…In fact, there’s never more chocolate…For, her mother, eats it all.
I can explain a lot of things in Manchester but I can’t explain this 😭
WTF
me: will i go to jail in the future
psychic: no
me: gimme your wallet and empty the register
My husband is out w/friends & I’m at home w/the kids. I’m going to sprinkle Legos under the covers on his side of the bed.
I’m trying to break up with this fruit fly but he just won’t go away.
Why did it have to be the dog? I have the hubby insured for $1.5 million.
LOL, Investigation Discovery, for assuming your victim was murdered at night just because she’s wearing pajamas.
*Ghost snatches phone from me*
“Who you gonna call now?”
Take your age and add 5 years to it.
That is your age in 5 years.
An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it
If your rice gets wet, just put it in a bag of phones.
Don’t forget when you’re tanning nude in your backyard that someone is zooming in on you from google earth satellite. You’re welcome.
If you hold a gift card close enough to your ear you can hear the person who bought it saying, “this’ll do”
Simon: I wrote a song
Garfunkel: *reads lyrics*
Garfunkel: “I am a rock. I am an island” dude I’m like right here. I thought we were friends