A large group of Canadian Geese is called a Nightmare.
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earth: I’m dying
humans: I’m sorry you feel that way
The next time someone sneezes, please don’t say ‘God bless you.’
I just…I just need a day off from the sneezes, is that too much to ask?
My family wants to start exercising more so now I have to jog to another town and find a new family
When one door closes, I lock it.
I’m not chancing someone else getting in.
a fun game to play with a chiropractor is to go completely limp after they pop your neck just to see what they do
POOR BOY FROM BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY: I need no sympathy.
ALSO THE POOR BOY: IM JUST A POOR BOY, NOBODY LOVES ME, MAMA, LIFE HAD JUST BEGUN, AND NOW IVE GONE AND THROWN IT ALL AWAY
Them: Yoga is so relaxing, don’t you think?
Me: *thinking about the time I did yoga and my kids started hitting me with whisks and spatulas* Um yeah, sure…
Today I spent an extra $10 to get to $50, just so I could get a $15 gift card. My wife is so proud.
*Texting* “Yeah sorry I’ve just got something very important to do. You go without me.”
*Pan out to me laying on the bed with a pan of brownies*
In case you don’t believe there’s any way your kid’s stories could be longer, my 12 y/o just told me a story about a YouTube video, with the hiccups.
My superpower is the ability to take on the shape of whatever food I eat.
For example if I eat potato chips, I take on the shape of a potato.
I called my son’s school to see if they would take him a week early and apparently they “don’t do that” and I “need to stop calling.”
I ruined my kid’s life today when I said “no” so she asked me an hour later and the answer was still “no”.
Goth gf: this isnt working out. I think we should see other people
Golden Retriever bf: *started running in circles as soon as he heard the word Out*
wtf is this choreography 😭😭😭
I’m writing Spider Ma’am, about a middle aged woman who gets bitten by a radioactive spider but keeps it to herself because she doesn’t freaking need this.
We DNA tested our dog and it turns out he killed a guy in Toledo in ‘79
[First Date]
Girl: (omg he’s so perfect)
Guy: I have In Pasture Syndrome
Girl: You mean Imposter Syn-
Guy: *grazing*
You ever feel pretty cool and then you see someone driving the same car as you and then get disappointed that they are much older and then even more disappointed to realize they are the same age as you
A seven nation army could definitely hold me back.
“So, which burner is your favorite? Mine is usually the back left.” -Me, trying to make friends in my 30’s
A comprehensive list of the times I will willingly and happily go for a run:
Me: *sneaking to the kitchen for a late night snack*
Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE
Ever worry that spiders have 8 slippers to slap you with?
Before I get in a fight I like to say something quick and intimidating. Like, “You just signed your permission slip for the field trip to hell. Also I’m your chaperone and in addition to that I’m the Devil. Here comes the bus. I am also the bus.”
I’m not flirting, I’m being friendly.
*gets on knees and undoes your belt*
My imaginary friend says you need a therapist.
I spoke to my doctor and he said, “if you drink every day you are an alcoholic.”
I’m lucky, I only drink every night.
Someone is yelling!
The voice is familiar…
How they rave and they rant!
Is it Jackman?
Or, Laurie?
Hefner or Grant?– Horton Hears a Hugh
My greatest fear is waking up after being buried alive so I’ve decided to be cremated
*wakes up in cremation oven*