Me: *sneaking to the kitchen for a late night snack*
Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE
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*sliding dj $4.65 in nickels* do you have the jurassic park theme?
Parents should get hazard pay for sleeping in the same bed with a toddler
Marie Kondō’s method really has been magical. I’m ridding my home of anything that doesn’t “spark joy.”
So far I’m down one washing machine, one vacuum, and a husband.
texting my crush “hey infant” instead of baby so they know i’m smart and regularly use my thesaurus
Airlines. Graciously giving you the choice to have feet, or a personal item, but not both.
My wife and I have decided we don’t want to have children.
So we are going to tell them tonight at dinner.
I want hashbrown pills.
~the guy who invented Tater tots
Survivor 1: “Help! I can’t swim! I’m drowning!” Survivor 2: “I have a buoy, friend.”
“We no longer use straws,” he said, handing me two plastic bottles of water. “They’re bad for the environment.”
Remember when old printers would cope with running low on ink. They’d just work and work, creating ever-fainter images and text, until finally it was white on white.
Modern printers are like, “I CANNOT WORK LIKE THIS!” and then they email someone, trying to order their own ink.
friend: can i tell you something
me: give me the double vhs titanic version sis
You’re playing checkers and I’m over here playing with this horsey
Of course my kids are well mannered because when I tell them things like get ready for bed, they politely ask me “Did mommy say that?”
*me filing for unemployment*
Unemployment office: be sure to call back between 11am-3pm as those are our hours
Me: so you’re only open 4 hours
Unemployment Office: yes any other questions
Me: yes how do I work at the unemployment office
{Bear walks up to me}
ME: Plays dead
BEAR: Get up, I just want to talk. Who are you voting for in the election
ME: Ugh, a poller bear
You cause one minor incident at a museum and everyone is “Irreplaceable Egyptian mummy” this and “Could have used regular toilet paper” that
To err is human
To purr is cat
To grr is dog
To brr is cold
To durr is dumb
To slur is drunk
To occur is when you realise this tweet is going nowhere
“evreytime god closes a door, he opens a window” – me, tryimg to convince my clients their house isnt haunted
*walks in on son making batman & iron man action figures kiss*
wtf?
“dad i can explain”
u should never EVER mix the dc & marvel universes
My family was totally confused tonight because there’s a candle lit that smells like a cake is baking without burning
I don’t do that
What’s the longest you’ve walked around looking for your raccoon when it was on your head the whole time.
My personal best is 16 hours.
1) Pull black socks to knees 2) Wear sandals 3) Wear Magnum PI shorts 4) Make ball sack slightly visible
-Grandpa’s guide to lawn mowing
By the power vested in me by my credit card, I now pronounce you my new fluffy hat. You may now hug my head.
The only thing longer than a minute left on the microwave is a minute on the treadmill.
the abolition of the 140 character limit and the advent of threads are responsible for the current state of this website. turned what was mostly cute little quips into constant insufferable bloviating posts like this one
NOBODY:
GRANDPA: *posts ‘celebrity nip slips’ on Facebook instead of into a search engine*
My mama always said: “If you can’t say anything nice, try to mumble it under your breath…”
I feel like you just get me. You fill my every need. You go out of your way for me. I tell you I am here and you coming running. It is just kind of perfect, right?
Him: Ma’am I am just bringing your grocery order to your car.
The Bangles neglected to mention Manic Monday is followed by Trauma Tuesday, Wacko Wednesday, and Therapy Thursday.
God: you’re very small.
Ant: ok.
God: but really strong.
Ant: how strong?
God: you can-
Ant: can I lift a piano?
God: well-no.
Ant: can I lift a car?
God: no.
Ant: can I lift a-
God: you can lift a leaf.
Ant: [visibly upset] but everyone can do that.