Setting my phone on do not disturb because I’m about to eat nachos and want zero interruptions.
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[couple who talks via walkie talkie]
GIRL: [into walkie] this relationship is over, over
GUY: *cries into walkie* it’s roger isn’t it?? over
[crime scene]
ROOKIE COP: but why would a chicken kill himself?
DETECTIVE: *lowers shades* to get to the other side
*rookie cop vomits*
The card you sent said “Peace on Earth” but the glitter on my hand says you have made a powerful enemy.
I can’t stand people who are indirect
You know who you are
Working on a screen play that involves zombies invading a prom. I’m calling it “Prom Nom Nom”
I bought myself some ice skates the other day and went skating today for the first time in about 15 yrs …
I’m returning the skates tomorrow.
Sexiest Man Alive implies there’s a Sexiest Man Dead
Can Twitter come up with relationship statuses like FB?
-Married and spouse knows about account
-Married but acts single
-Single and getting some
-Single and jealous of people getting some
-Registered sex offender
My husband pissed me off so I made him his favorite chocolate chip cookies and used black beans instead of chocolate
Mom was disappointed there were no fights on her flight. I gave her some tips for the return flight.
when you see my three typing dots linger there for a long time just know I’m fighting an epic battle with autocorrect
“Is chicken the animal spelled the same as chicken the food?”
– my child, about to be shook
My son’s kindergarten teacher wanted to chat with me today because my son told his class that his mom died… and came back to life!
Remember that tiny bit of constructive feedback that you went out of your way to specifically tell me not to take personally? You’re not gonna believe this.
Him: Everything happens for a reason
Me: Tomorrow is yesterday’s bosom
Him: What
Me: Oh, I thought we were doing a thing where we both say dumb shit
I traced the call. It was phone-shaped.
me: [staring up at the sun, then at the sunblock in my hands, then back up at the sun, then back at the sunblock]
my wife: you’re wondering whether you put it on yourself or on the sun, aren’t you
me: look i didn’t go to medical school like you did ok
Tequila be like “I know a spot” then take you here
Ma’am, nowhere on the perfume bottle does it say “marinate in”
date: you can’t seriously be mad
me: [one french fry fewer than before] i just hope i don’t starve
The cat hair really brings out the notes of fruit and cedar doesn’t it
– Me, if you’re drinking wine at my house
I love when fanfic writers write about seedy nightclubs because you can tell so instantly that they have never in their lives been inside one.
It’s like a zoo lion dreaming of the savanna
Started watching that Godzilla King Kong movie and the first lines of dialogue are basically a scientist saying “Well Godzilla and King Kong are definitely going to have to fight each other, as you know they have an ancient rivalry”
Don’t ever look away from a police officer. Just stare him down. You don’t wanna look suspicious.
“Lunchables” is a good name because it doesn’t make any grandiose claims: “This is able to be eaten as lunch.”
In my teens: I won’t wear a jacket because they’re not cool.
In my 30’s: I will bring this blanket into the restaurant and be the coziest.
All the girls I’ve ever kissed can agree on one thing. It’s weird that I have a beak.
i always wear this epi pen its rly special. my friend gave it to me literally as he was dying it seemed very important to him that i have it