when you see my three typing dots linger there for a long time just know I’m fighting an epic battle with autocorrect
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[Wedding Open Bar in my 20s]
Woohoo! Imma get sooo wasted!![Wedding Open Bar in my 40s]
Woohoo! Imma save maybe $11!
While it may be physically possible to have a baby after 40, forty children are probably enough.
I’ll leave a to-do list on the table in case any of you stalkers get bored.
Saw a video for vegan cauliflower icecream on fb and heard the four horsemen of the apocalypse thunder overhead.
I asked my 5 yr old if she wanted to help me make a cake and she said that she doesn’t make cakes. She eats them.
Her face will be on currency one day.
I just made bacon for dessert, I’m not in the mood to be trifled with
Husband: *singing pop song*
Tween: Mom, do something.
Me: *starts dancing*
While I was relaxing having my wine my toddler threw a piece of cheese straight at my face and said, “gotcha.”
tree: morning
me: oh hey
tree: yo lemme get a hit of that carbon dioxide bro
me: [exhales on tree]
tree: [leaves all shakin’] ooooh ya baby that’s the stuff
My husband is a dentist now! At least he acts like one asking me questions while I’m very obviously brushing my teeth.
Non violent offenders should be given community service & bangs
If any of you are going Black Friday shopping this week please try and be a decent human being and turn your phone horizontal before recording any fights.
STORY TIME
my skin is a few shades darker than my siblings on either side, so I stood out.
one time when I was about 5, a woman looked at all of us and asked
“are you tan from the sun!?”
and i said
“no i’m nate from earth”
Women shouldn’t work outside the home. It’s STEVE Jobs, not EVE Jobs.
me: we named you after our favorite films
paul blart: i hate you
wife: you should be proud of your names
paul blart 2: you’re monsters
Kinda miss the Jane Austen era where a man is driven mad by a woman’s hand being ungloved & yet oblivious to her heaving bosom falling out.
My son came home for spring break with all clean clothes and doesn’t need me to do his laundry and I am just so very, very confused.
My son thinks declaring “yuck” to every meal I prepare can break me, but he doesn’t realize academic life has hardened me from rejection. So, joke’s on him.
Sex is like my hair. I didn’t have any yesterday. I didn’t have any today. And unless something drastically changes, I won’t have any tomorrow.
Student: “May I go to the toilet?”
Teacher: “What for?”
Student: “To open the Chamber of Secrets”
Pearly whites? I assume you mean my legs.
I feel it
[hunting]
DAD: dont scare him
ME: did u know we dump 16 tons of sewage into our waters every minute
DEER: holy shit
DAD: what did i just say
I am ‘being spanked and told to nap is punishment’ years old
*winks*
*primitive gungans defeat battle droids*
*Stone Age ewoks beat elite stormtroopers*
*improbable underdog story defeats logic and reason*
I was halfway to the state line before I realized the sirens were part of the song that was playing…
Her: You should meditate.
Me: And be alone with my thoughts? No thank you.
KFC hitting the cannibal market
Her: there’s something different about you
Me, slowly transitioning into a werewolf: HOWOOOOOOOOO do you mean?