when you see my three typing dots linger there for a long time just know I’m fighting an epic battle with autocorrect
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i dont think any of the wikihow artists have seen a dog in real life
Monday
“OMG! We broke up years ago. Which was, like, 100% your choice. And I’m still the first thing you talk about. To. Like. Everyone.”
— Gluten
Honestly I wouldn’t want to be left alone with anyone who knew even a single way to skin a cat
Witnessing a person attempt to use a word that is beyond their comprehension is like watching a dog eat a bee.
Let’s move on now. if I had a pound for every time I heard a Brexit joke this week I’d nearly have a Euro.
The people who invented cars were called the automan empire. Also the people who invented weight training are called history buffs. Knowledge is power.
Eggnog is perfect for when you feel like drinking a glass of pancake batter.
According to Verizon, the cable guy should be here sometime between 10:00 a.m. and the return of Christ.
The first fireman to get called to rescue a cat in a tree must have had the hose wrestled from him before someone told him to get a ladder.
I thought maybe we could try to make it on Dateline as a a couple.
this will hang in the louvre one day
Car salesman: It’ll comfortably fit 5 people
Clown: How many uncomfortably?
*inventing the mirror*
“People don’t have enough to worry about.”
Me, massively hungover, listening to my coworker telling me about their weekend:
*plane crashes in ocean*
*washes ashore island*
*imprisoned by crabs*
*rises to become Crab Emperor*
*assassinated by most trustworthy crab*
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
Can’t believe spirit halloween sells this
I remember a short time in my life when I didn’t like hot dogs. 5 is a challenging age.
*Goes to bathroom
*Reaches down to unzip
*Discovers pants have been unzipped for the last 4 hours
*Starts wearing underwear
My son said he’d do something in a minute.
So far it’s been 185 days, 16 hours & 11 minutes but who’s counting.
Friend: Let’s get a table outside
Me: How about we get an inside table but the waiter turns the heat way up, dumps tiny bugs in our food and shines a super bright flashlight in our eyes?
Me: I was only protecting the kids from learning too early that their parents are fallible
Her: *packing away Monopoly* That’s still no excuse for stealing from the bank
“You are now about to witness the STRENGTH of street knowledge,” I tell my Über passengers as I turn off my GPS.
My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename my cat.
It absolutely scares me to death that I’M the voice of reason in this house.
Bummed my show about teenage girls working for their high school newspaper didn’t get an Emmy nomination. Better luck next year, ‘Cuntrags’.
When my daughter asked who I was listening to and I said Eminem and she asked if he is white and I said yes and she said the green ones are best is how I know she’ll change the world.
Adding “and shit” to the end of a sentence to make it sound cooler and shit.
If I arrive wearing more than one hat it is because I could not decide & could not bear to leave one or more of them behind.