Her: there’s something different about you
Me, slowly transitioning into a werewolf: HOWOOOOOOOOO do you mean?
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Q. Where did Capt. Hook buy his prosthesis?
A. At a secondhand store.
My teenager can make and edit a tik tok video and post it successfully, yet the idea of rinsing her cereal bowl after she’s done eating is a complete mystery.
Got thrown out of another poetry reading for shouting “oooh naughty” every time someone used a metaphor for sex
Hypnotist: you’re feeling very sleepy
Parents: omg yes
I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.
Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.
‘You look fat’ is both an ice-breaker and a bone-breaker
Me: You should take a bath
Kid: You can’t make me!
Doctor: You should eat more leafy greens
Me: You can’t make me!
Pretty lame how horses and dogs don’t capitalize on their ability to wear 2 pairs of jean shorts at once
Twin: ya know how we always-
Me: -finish each other’s sentences!
Prison Warden: VISITING TIME IS OVER
Twin: so I had an idea…
Is Miley Cyrus pregnant? Will The government stay shut down? Will the GTA online servers work? Find out on the next episode of Dragon Ball Z
[Romeo below the balcony in 2022]
“I brought chicken”
Modern Way to Name Babies:
1. Pick 2-3 names
2. Chop each
3. Blend together
4. Mix in the letter Y
5. Allow time for mixture to settleCongratulations on your child McKimberlynn.
Bought a dozen stamps today so my kids can expect 11 stamps as part of their inheritance
Me: “Hey bud, do you want to pick out a new fish after school today?”
5yo: “Yeah. Are we going to order it on Amazon?”
Me: “No, we’ll go to the pet store.”
5yo: “Oh. Do THEY order it on Amazon?”
Tech support: What seems to be the problem?
Me: The child unit keeps asking me “Why?” over and over and over. I’m going crazy. Please help!
TS: That is a known glitch. The only fix is an update, which won’t be available for at least another year.
You’re pretty cocky for someone with such a small…
….vocabulary.
Girl: I only date guys who can ice skate and make puns.
Me: *sighs and reluctantly starts putting on skates* “Figures.”
WE ARE CURRENTLY EXPERIENCING HIGH CALL VOLUMES. WE RECOMMEND HOLDING THE PHONE AWAY FROM YOUR EAR.
My husband and I have never had couples counseling, but we once had a third person help guide us out of a tight parking spot. Saved our marriage.
Fun to hear newscasters, while their chopper hovers over an active crime scene, scold people “the last thing the police need is spectators”
If you love something, let it go. But if you love two things, space them out. For example, let a koala go at least three days before a lion.
Why are so many people going everywhere whenever I have to go anywhere?
[House hunters]
Pigs: we’d really love a brick house
Wolf realtor: how do we feel about wood tho?
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog:
I’m so hungry I could eat a hor—
*horse walks by snorting aggressively*
ticulturalist
*horticulturalist pops up trimming hedge aggressively*
“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Identical twins arguing over a photo.
By the end of shelter at home, my house will be spotless. Oh sure, I’ll be drunk and confused, but so will the germs.
If laughing is good for you because you use 15 muscles, think how healthy you’ll be if you’re breaking a chair on someone’s head every day.
“I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For” is my favourite song about opening and closing the fridge 150 times a day