My husband and I have never had couples counseling, but we once had a third person help guide us out of a tight parking spot. Saved our marriage.
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i’m very suspicious about solar panels. they sit outside sunbathing and they. make energy? yet when i do that i just become a big red freckle? something odd is going on here and it makes me uncomfortable
I get all my cardio the old fashioned way; by running from my problems.
Got very excited when I saw that Mastodon was trending. Was quite disappointed to discover that it had nothing to do with prehistoric animals.
Finding out that my kids take the “freeze” “unfreeze” game seriously might be the greatest moment of my life
*wonders how long they’ll stay frozen for*
Police Officer: Son I have some terrible news, your father was killed at work today when he fell into the scissor machine.
Dwayne Johnson: *grits teeth* …I will dedicate my life to avenging him!
Snuck a peak at my therapist’s notepad after telling her about my childhood, and it was just dollar signs.
9 out of 10 therapist agree to just be yourself
The other one realizes that’s what got you into this shit in the first place.
[Party]
Her: *Nervous* I don’t know anybody
Him: It’s ok I’ll introduce you *into mic* hailing from Detroit & weighing in at I dunno 180lb
Back in my day, it was a game of dodge ball where you found out who didn’t like you.
Quick question for the medical professionals, should my blood glucose number be higher or lower than the mileage on my 6-year-old car
I have the confidence of a bald headed eagle, and the shy modesty of his distant relative the combover falcon.
I get more sympathy when I say that I don’t have a Costco near me than when I say someone died
My husband has texted me 12 times from the grocery store with questions. He’s only made it to aisle 4. Pray for me.
Me: I just want to be the center of someone’s universe
*has kids*
Also me: Not like that
Work tip: Anytime someone leaves a room, ominously say, “And they never saw him again.”
I’m not smart enough to have this many people dumber than me.
me: do you know what sarcasm is?
daughter: no I do not, please enlighten me, father
me: ok, well it mea-*squints eyes* wait a minute…
Couples therapist: what scares you the most?
Wife: that we slowly lose respect for each other
Me: when the washing machine goes really fast
After spending the last week stealing cars and killing people I just found out GTA had missions.
me: a weirdo broke into my house
cop: are you positive it was a weirdo
me: they stole all my jeff goldblum spoken word poetry albums so you tell me
The running up the steps scene from Rocky, but it’s a penguin, and it takes four and a half hours.
So I went to the store and bought 5 oranges, but somehow I lost 2 on the way home. Then when I got home I found I had 3 oranges behind the coffee machine — and now I’m officially the guy from the math problem you hated.
Me: If you pay a mime enough, they’ll talk
The other mimes at the protest: [visibly furious]
My son continued to wear his earbuds shopping with me after I told him not to so he didn’t hear me say I was leaving.
Hope he finds a ride home.
my 23 y/o boyfriend: have you heard this band? *turns on the beatles*
*stops abruptly at red light*
*instinctively reaches out arm to protect food in passenger seat*
You found poison in his stomach? But he HATED poison!
Stop showing me pictures of british people’s breakfast I’ve already been through enough
I got about 8 seconds into explaining the Kate Middleton situation to my French husband before he told me, in the Frenchest voice imaginable, “ah yes, that’s why we decided not to have those sorts of people anymore”
“Michael just bought a popcorn popper. You know what he probably wants to buy next? *Another* popcorn popper.”
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