Parenthood is basically just pretending to be angry when you aren’t and pretending not to be angry when you are.
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Ice cream man: in a cup or in a cone
Me: cone please. I find the cups upset my stomach.
At this point in my life, the little angel on my shoulder just says “Oh this is gonna be good…” and starts munching popcorn.
me: *using chocolate coins as currency*
clerk: those are not legal tender
me: tender? buddy, these will melt in your mouth
I can see the appeal of being a nudest everytime I do laundry
same energy
Wait…was it my left or your left?
-me as a surgeon
After a long day of tweeting I like to relax with a hot cup of wtf am I doing with my life?
He asked where I wanted to go for dinner, and that’s how the fight got started.
* overheard at the bar *
Becky: so what do you do?
Him: I’m a beekeeper
Ecky: you astard!!!!
Preparing myself for a post apocalyptic wasteland by learning how to sleep without the TV on
If you have teenagers, the perfect spot to hide your alcohol is wherever you keep your cleaning supplies.
Idioms are annoying so I won’t count chickens that cry over spilt milk at the drop of a hat or bark up the wrong apples and oranges tree because at the end of the day, it is what it is, and it ain’t over til the fat lady kills two birds with a piece of cake.
ME: This house is haunted
WIFE [sigh] We’ve been thru this, that’s our son
SON: I just have a pale complexion Dad
ME: TELL ME YOU HEARD THAT
honey, i think the milk’s gone bad
“i only bought it yesterday”
yeah well, look at this..
*milk is running a meth lab in the fridge*
So, lemme get this straight…
Scooby-Doo can talk and help solve murders, but can’t go to the store and buy himself Scooby snacks??
Jay-Z is actually the 26th generation of the Jay family, which dates back to the middle-ages, when Jay-A invented rap.
I read that 83% of prison inmates are Christians…should I be concerned with my safety when I’m up in Heaven?
This woman in a commercial says “I just tried a new laxative that’s both gentle and fast” then gets in her car and drives off and I’m questioning whether she really thought this through
If I had a time machine, I would go back to the day we first let my daughter watch SpongeBob SquarePants and just destroy our TV
alexander graham bell: i invented the telephone!
his brother, taco: i’m working on some pretty big stuff too
The toughest part of any long distance relationship is the 6 hour drive to slash their tires.
Making French toast is a lot like making regular toast. The only difference is that you use your tongue.
If I were a gunslinger I’d bedazzle my holster. The other killers wouldn’t take me seriously, maybe think I’m just packing a glue gun. Big mistake.
my primary source of oxygen is gasping at all the stupidity
“Mommy, guess what song this is!”
{Horrid shrieking on plastic harmonica}Um Twinkle Twinkle Little Star?
“No try again”
{Murder sounds}Ring Around the Rosie?
“No no, really listen!”
{My ears begin to bleed}(Voice quivering) Happy Birthday?
“Yes!”
(I begin to cry)
“No,” said the bus driver, not even taking an eye off the road. Feeling my face reddening with anger but not wanting to cause a wreck, I calmy repeated myself, “I need you to give me back my kazoo right now please.”
date: so what do you do?
me: *recalling how I deface every mesh window covering I see with Sharpie* I’m a screenwriter
No One Puts Baby in the Corner: A Feng Shui Guide to Nurseries
So glad that Halloween isn’t on Friday the 13th this year because that would be so 2020 am I right?
Diet, Day 14:
I hate everyone. My children are scared of me & I’ve repelled everyone else.
But I’m starting to really like pears.