No One Puts Baby in the Corner: A Feng Shui Guide to Nurseries

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“I don’t see race.” -Russian guy in the back row of a NASCAR event


*through a mouthful of Nutella*

Oh, yeah, healfy eafing is sufer imfortant to me.


I was really upset today but then a friend said “don’t be upset” so now I’m not upset anymore


I just made way too much pasta, so if you haven’t eaten dinner yet, swing by and watch me eat way too much pasta.


Relationships are about compromise. I pretend she’s not watching a Gossip Girl boxset. She pretends I’m not digging her grave in the garden.


“are you drunk?”

– everyone’s response when i send a nice text


Sometimes I feel driving over Beliebers, but then I’m like, “what is wrong with me??” because I just got my car washed.


Friend: How could lingerie ruin a romantic night?

Me: He fell asleep waiting for me to put it on. Never buy lingerie at IKEA.


Stages of Candle Burning
1: this smells nice
2: still smells nice
3: this is all I can smell now
4: this is the only scent I have ever known