The worst time to find out your parents are dead is probably right after you’ve taken a large hit from helium balloon.
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yeah but what if it 𝗶𝘀 your fault that you got the grocery cart with the bad wheel? what if maybe the cart just doesn’t like 𝘆𝗼𝘂
No one claims to like clowns, and yet there are clowns. What an evolutionary adaptive species they must be, clowns.
{Reaching adulthood}
ME: Oh, good, turns out no one knows what they’re doing.{2 minutes later}
ME: Oh, wait, seriously?? NO ONE KNOWS WHAT THEY’RE DOING??
Any jeans can be skinny jeans if you eat enough doughnuts.
I haven’t tweeted about murder for a while and that’s exactly how a real killer would put you at ease.
I hate when my dog watches me pick up his shit, I feel like his bitch.
Turbulence is just God’s little way of telling us we’re NOT BIRDS.
You say “tomato”, I say “flamingo”. I also put goldfish in my armpits. My opinion should be ignored.
PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.
The human body can do all these cool restorative things, but don’t you dare swallow a drop of water incorrectly, because it may decide to just end you right there.
MRI machines don’t have to be that loud. They just don’t want you to hear the radiology tech gasp.
Someone posted a cute pic of several fluffy little baby chicks in a bucket and all I could think was “KFC preview.”
Found out my sіster ate my leftovers whіle І was at work, now І’m starіng out the wіndow lіke І’m іn a sad early 2000’s musіc vіdeo.
God: you’re a dog.
Dog: what does that mean?
God: it means you’re a good boy.
Dog: what did you say?
God: it means you’re a good boy.
Dog: one more time my ears aren’t the best.
God: you have perfect hearing.
Dog:
God:
Dog:
God: you’re a good boy.
Dog: [tail wag] : )
World: What’s the date?
America: Well first and most importantly it’s June
[my first day as a bank teller]
guy comes up to window: i’m here to make a withdrawal
me: i’ll need to see some ID sir
guy [pulls out gun]: here’s my ID
me: umm, sir, that’s not ID. that’s a gun [turning to coworker] is this guy an idiot?
guy: no, i’m saying, this is a robbery
me: no, sir. this is a bank [turning to coworker] is this dude for real?
2: [looks at old photo]
Papa you have no beard?Me: That was a long time ago, before Papa grew one.
4: [looks at same photo]
This before Mama had one, too?My wife:
Me: [sighs] 4 years. You had a good run, son.
Not to brag, but I was voted “Most Likely To Mention Something Truly Insignificant As If It Was A Big Deal” by everyone who has ever met me.
definitely did not do anything wrong
son: dad, why didn’t you want to cut the umbilical cord when I was born?
me: [doing jump rope between him and my wife] it’s called planning ahead, son
*watches a house fall on you*
*steals your shoes*
Nothing says how messed up my family thinks I am than my niece putting her head in an Easy-Bake-Oven & my brother asking me if I showed her.
If I ever lose my girlfriend in the mall I just start checking other girls out and bam there she is yelling at me
Me: *holds up my phone showing my tweet has a total of 6 favorites*
Bouncer: you still can’t go in
I hate when I can’t remember if my wife and I are in love or fighting. So, I’m like a minesweeper in the mornings.
Having someone sing you to sleep is so comforting.
Until you realize you live alone.
was reading about defunct airlines again and i can’t believe they named it this
my son and I accidentally ended up on different teams in laser tag and every time I shot him he said “wow” in a dramatic disappointed voice