World: What’s the date?
America: Well first and most importantly it’s June
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I feel like one of these would kill a European
From /u/rocketman on r/antiwork: “Thought of you guys when my manager handed me this. I laughed out loud.”
Of course introverts lie, how do you think we get jobs.
I accidentally bought the “Extra Long Super Pads with Wings” this month and I think that’s why I have dry eyes.
My Mom taught me to treat others the way I want to be treated so I always walk up to strangers and spray canned cheese in their mouth.
Come here you little vixen and let me take off your top.
-me to my beer.
My husband is mad at my broken toe for not healing faster because he has to take over homeschooling and it’s “absolutely draining”. He’s been at it for 32 minutes.
Welcome to your 40’s. Your body now involuntarily makes haunted house sound effects.
People will come in and out of your life. Make sure they’ve gotten the flu vaccine.
-inspirational tweet
when you tell me to do something I was already about to do
VAMPIRE HUNTER: It’s so strange…why is this one coffin turned over on its side?
ME, from inside: I don’t like sleeping on my back.
.I’m a woman. Sometimes I want you to hold me while I sleep and sometimes I want you to shove my panties in my mouth. It’s complicated.
“Don’t you have this book anywhere?”
“Not here, no.”
“Is it in the back?”
“I’m afraid not.”
“Is it in the basement?”
“No.”
“Aren’t you going to go down and check?”
“Well, that would take a while.”
“How long would it take?”
“I mean first we’d have to install a basement.”
The only thing between me & a killing spree is the fact that I’d have to poop in front of people in prison.
My 3yo wakes me up way too early each morning by singing.
So this morning, I woke up early, went into his room and started singing to show him how much it sucks.
Then we had a duet and my point was missed.
At my job interview today the Boss said,
“You’re shaking, don’t be so nervous.”
So I told him, “Oh, I’m not nervous, I’m an alcoholic.”
Reasons trains are delayed/cancelled in Britain:
– Wrong kind of sun
– Ominous cloud
– Slightly damp leaf
– Chilly track
– Suspicious gravel
– Doubtful platform
– Cynical breeze
– Wobbly signal
– Inclement vibe
– Sarcastic swan
Sorry I was staring at your nachos while you were talking about your painful divorce
Me: I don’t want to fill up on bread.
Executioner: This is literally your last meal.
i’m convinced the only british slang words you’ll ever need in life are tickety-boo & throwing a wobbly
Last week I made dinner for my husband’s boss and his wife. As a thank you, they sent me a gift certificate for cooking lessons!
me: hi
sloth: HELL!!!!
me: ..umm [walks away]
sloth: ..oh 🙁
I’m sorry but if shirts are required at the company picnic then the calendar invite should have said that
Absolutely batshit that they had one Irish character in Harry Potter and they just went with Seamus Finnegan. Like calling an American character Huckleberry McRib.
Today’s short poem is called ‘Passwords’.
What idiot called it “learning to be patient” and not “gaining wait”?
THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full
The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco.