I accidentally bought the “Extra Long Super Pads with Wings” this month and I think that’s why I have dry eyes.
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[trial]
Judge: how do you plead?
“not guilty”
J: but you’ve admitted to dropping an anvil on him.
“he asked me to make him a pancake”
A Video no one needed, but since I miss saying these things, here is what Product Managers actually do.
Ask & say a bunch of random things to sound smart.Hope I get hired for my honesty at least if not for my skills 😀
i gotta stop wearing clothes that have recently washed up on shore
they should make a pepper spray that sprays both forwards and backwards so you cant get confused. yeah I’m getting sprayed. but so are you. and Im probably gonna handle it better because of my unbreakable spirit
I don’t think Nyquil knows what cherries taste like!
Upon discovering that the good burger place I wanted to get dinner from is closed today, and feeling that no other place would do, I said, “I do not wish to sully my palate with an inferior burger,” and I sounded like if Mr. Darcy was a foodie throwing a tantrum.
Saw a friend I haven’t seen in over 20 years tonight. She asked if I had any pics of my kids. You don’t realize how many pics of Harry Styles, Louis Tomlinson & dogs you have until someone is hovering over you. The scrolling I had to do to get to pics of my real children. 🤦🏼♀️
gossiping friend: don’t breathe a word of this to anyone
me: don’t worry I only breathe air
(texting gf) In uber. Be home soon. Cant wait to see you (accidentally pressing dictation button) Ohhhh i want a hamburger so bad. Hot dog too. Ohh man I want a mcchicken. me too. Woww I want a burger. Yeah I want a cheeseburger too. Ohhh wow me too. I want a hot dog.With the bun
The Willy Wonka grandparents were connected under the covers, like a rat king.
Give a man a fish & he’ll be all “WTF are you giving me a fish for? That’s weird” Teach a man to fish & he’ll be all “Again with the fish?”
witch (intending to push gretel into the oven): go check the oven
me: mean witch! but cunning
gretel (intending to push the witch into the oven): how do you check an oven
me: the chess game continues. Genius
witch: okay. i will put my body in the oven to demonstrate
me: oh
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: sir calm down
ME (having panic attack): sorry I’ve never flown before
PILOT (over intercom): dont worry neither have I lol
Nobody:
Every chicken recipe: PARSLEY, SAGE, ROSEMARY, AND THYME
I dunno when it stopped, but I’m kinda pissed that no one celebrates and gives me a sticker when I shit anymore
*gets into any creepy van*
*Gets kicked out*
*date night*
Her: Why did you say you were a bad chef? These crunchy tacos look great!
Me: …omelettes 🙁
Tarantulas make great pets because when they die, rather than grieving you’ll feel an almost overwhelming sense of relief
I like my men, like I like my coffee.
So hot, that I have to keep blowing.
German be like, __________ is the word for a cat that is chewing on a flower in a pot that was watered last Tuesday.
temp agency: can you do retail
lizard: yes
I packed a picnic lunch. Meet me by the abandoned ferris wheel at Chernobyl. I’ve heard glowing reviews.
[onboard the titanic sinking] oh no i just ate
My toddler appears to know a magic spell to transform any space into a Hoarders episode.
6yo (to her crying brother): “It’s okay to be sad, sometimes we need to let our feelings out, just let yourself be sad.”
Me: “Oh darling, that’s so lovely, well done. Why is he crying?”
6yo: “I hit him.”#mumlife
Him: What kind of idiot are you?
Me: I didn’t know I had a choice. What are the options?
Whoever first said “No news is good news” never had their cable & Internet go out for two days
[First Date]
Paige Turner: I’ve been unlucky in love. I feel like people expect me to be more exciting
Cliff Hanger: Weird. I get that too
*Goes to bathroom
*Reaches down to unzip
*Discovers pants have been unzipped for the last 4 hours
*Starts wearing underwear
wife: maybe you should start working out again
me: [literally sweating from trying to open a can of pringles] why