Nobody:
Every chicken recipe: PARSLEY, SAGE, ROSEMARY, AND THYME
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Why just pufferfish? Why not other pufferanimals?
Why not a pufferpuma?
Me: I just killed a HUGE spider!
Him: It was actually a piece of yarn.
Me: A HUGE, scary piece of yarn!
The snake that couple found in a bag of lettuce in Aldi is just one more in a long list of reasons to avoid salad.
Tremendous stuff
The only thing more satisfying than doing big yard projects yourself is paying someone to do it while you occasionally watch out the window.
You’re doing a great job looking at your phone
“Eat right and exercise?!?…
I dunno…seems like some kind of a scam, Doc.”
You can’t buy gifts from a sex offender registry. I know this now.
Jack: I want to be nimble
Genie: ok
Jack: and also quick
Genie: ok those are the same thin-
Jack: last but not least I want to jump as high as a candle
Nothing makes me feel more “white collar” than when I’m nodding my head at someone pointing to a line graph that I know nothing about.
“Mmm, tastes just like chicken!”
-My 6 year old eating a piece of chicken
This toilet won’t flush!!
Cop: “Sir, will you please step out of the phone booth”
I don’t care what the scale says.
I know it’s time to start exercising if a wolf tries to huff & puff & blow my house down.
[First date]
DATE: Tell me something unique about yourself.
ME: Well, I always sleep with one arm under my pillow.
DATE: Lots of people do that. Anything more interesting?
ME: It’s not my arm.
Just once I’d like to walk down the aisle, take my vows, say I do…
Without being dragged out being told, “Ma’am, you’re not the bride…”
[God making coconuts]
ANGEL: Hair on the outside?
GOD: Yes
ANGEL: Milk on the inside?
GOD: Yes
ANGEL: So, this is another mammal?
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, no
me: *sobbing* please help him he’s eaten a bunch of socks
veterinarian: I can’t fix a clothes dryer
All these girls tweeting about going braless & I’m just over here on my back trying not to look like I have 2 bald guys in a headlock.
Things I constantly worry about pressing:
1. “Like” while ex stalking
2. Send all drafts
3. A baby’s soft spotYes, this list is in order.
My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.
*logs on Facebook
IT’S YOUR OLD HIGH SCHOOL BULLY’S BIRTHDAY TODAY!
*logs off
WAIT COME BACK!
YOU HAVEN’T HEARD ABOUT YOUR EX’S ENGAGEMENT!
My mom moved me away from Texas as a kid, statistically decreasing the chance I ever get the death penalty and that’s pretty cool
Don’t take this the wrong way, but you’re all horrible sinners and you’re going to hell.
Anime-only: Man, I can’t wait to see more of my fav character!
Manga-reader: Oh man, THAT character, oh buddy oh pal oh buddy. I ain’t gonna say WHAT happens to them, but uh, hehehe, prepare to CRY. I MUST REITERATE, I ain’t spoiling anything, BUT, that character? Hooo boy
When you want your ball, but you don’t want to get wet
🎾💧💦
my lawyer wants me to turn myself into the police but I keep telling him impersonating a cop is what got me into trouble in the first place
I changed my phone ringtone to the doorbell sound bc I don’t answer that either.
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.