Tremendous stuff
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Thousands of people are attacked by sea creatures every year. We at BP are dedicated to bringing that number down. You’re welcome!
A joke is only funny if both of you are laughing.
*and other lies we tell our kids
I’m thankful my wife harvested over $100,000 in potatoes on Farmville while I ate a grilled cheese for dinner & am sleeping on dirty laundry
me: start from the beginning? oh, ok. Well, God created the heavens and the earth. And the earth was without form…
Police investigator: no, no, from just before your car got rear-ended
I hope I’m not overthinking this.
(six days later)
Nah I’m probably not.
Since I’m wearing a white top, I’m going to go ahead and eat this meatball hoagie while I drive.
Everyone’s a gangster until they turn a spoon the wrong way under running water.
Hate is too strong of a word, but to the guy who brought a cowbell to a 7am youth hockey game, I very much dislike you
If I got a dollar for every time I thought about you, I would start thinking about you
It stops being sexy if you wait 14 hours to reply back.
only targaryens can ride dragons?
explain this game of thrones
Getting married is easy, staying married when all of your drunken midnight Amazon purchases show up on your husband’s day off is not.
Accountant: ok gross income looks good, what about any losses?
Willy Wonka: Just those 4 kids lmao
Accountant: what
Willy Wonka: what
Professor: There’s no such thing as stupid questions
Me: *clears throat
[we arrive at the Pet Sematary]
Jud: we’ll rest here, but there’s a… a place further on, it’s got power
Me: how much further on
Jud: three miles
Me: *finger guns* no thank you
[I chuck my dead cat into the woods and go home]
Stop calling me an amateur. I’ve been doing this for decades. I’m incompetent.
50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.
My Coworker Bryce lost his license and now has to ride his bike into work and he didn’t even laugh when I called him Brycycle
Told my wife “I’m not mad, I’m disappointed” and now she’s not mad, she’s furious.
ME: I’m single and ready to Pringle.
CASHIER: I have never seen somebody buy that many tubes.
Toy stores should spread the toys out on the floor so you can see them in their natural state and practice stepping on them.
DOCTOR: when was the last time you exercised?
ME: *thinking about holding the thermometer under my tongue* dude you were there
When you’re married, it’s important for you both to work on keeping the magic alive and chained up in the basement where it can’t escape.
I never set out to be the hottest woman in the nursing home yet here we are.
What rhymes with Autoerotic Asphyxiation? Writing an obituary is hard.
Raw eggs are great for a fitness diet.
If you don’t like the taste, just add sugar, flour, cocoa and baking powder and bake for 30 minutes.
Pro tip: If you eat your sandwich in line you don’t have to pay for it.
A shower so cold, you call it by your exes name
No internet for 11 hours. I’ve written two novels, lost 15 pounds, and forgotten how to pronnounce “gif.”
Got banned from another museum for trying to jump into the paintings.