Wear only a towel around your waist and you can get into just about anywhere if you just repeat “so sorry so sorry” and keep moving forward.
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Have some fun at work: End every comment with a long slow wink
“My report is super late”
*long slow wink*“I swear I didn’t drink at lunch”
*long slow wink*“Oh, I’m fired?”
*long slow wink*
Yes I can still pop, lock and drop it*!
*pop my hip joint, it locks up and I drop to the floor*
I asked my boyfriend “How pretty am I on a scale from 9.5-10?”
I’m just a girl, sitting on a plane, watching each person come closer to the empty seat beside me and thinking “please don’t sit here”.
Boss: why’d you leave early?
Me: you said cease the day
Boss: yes I said seize the day
Me:
Boss:
Art Teacher: your drawings are due tomorrow
me: [hours later] maybe add in some grapes
police sketch artist: ..a bowl of fruit attacked you?
Well well well. If it isn’t my old nemesis, 2:34AM.
And I see you brought your little sidekick, Parade of Humiliating Moments.
I’ve found the perfect way to keep my plants healthy. I leave them at the garden center as nature intended.
The words “casual” and “casualty” have nothing to do with each other, and that’s why I don’t trust the English language
The tooth fairy audits you if you have a gap between your teeth.
If you have an easy firstborn child, don’t feel good about yourself. It’s a trick from Mother Nature so you, fueled by false confidence, reproduce again. Your second will be a no-limit soldier who likes to slap and doesn’t sleep.
inventor of the sword: [watching a sword swallowing contest] oh no. no no no
My daughter claimed that her knife skills are better than Chef Ramsay’s. So I tossed her a potato and asked her to peel it and she said, “With a knife?”
Don’t worry Chef Ramsay, your job is safe!
I always skip leg day at the gym. I keep my body proportionate by skipping every other day at the gym as well.
Pro tip: If you ever lose your wedding ring, just run the vacuum cleaner. You’ll find it.
[to a mushroom] ok, pretty cute. but let’s see you without the hat
my favorite part of nextdoor is seeing neighbors toss around the latest street slang such as ‘casing the joint’
I should have known I was in for a rough afternoon when my child described her drink as “too soggy.”
*Tries to start the wave at a funeral
in addition to “block” and “report” there should be a button that tells the user’s mom what they’ve been posting
I’ve started insulting people exclusively with bird names, if you don’t like it then cope you red breasted nuthatch
Trying to sound casual. Yes just message me when you set off whenever. I’m not running around like a headless chicken trying to make my house look like it hasn’t exploded honest.
A haunted house but it’s just your cubicle and your boss is inviting you to a team building exercise.
Evolution sometimes moves forward due to tiny differences making one species less competitive
For instance T-rex died out bc, lacking selfie sticks, their instagram feeds were less effective
Lord Of the Rings is a story about a brave little Hobbit on a mission to destroy a ring and save the world, and his annoying friend Frodo.
As the king’s food taster, I essentially have one job: clutching my throat and dropping dead when the soup is poisoned.
The lady across the plane aisle very rudely covered her watch that I was using.
NO I DON’T KNOW WHAT SIDE DISH I’M BRINGING BUT I’M ANNOYED SO IT WILL BE SOMETHING MASHED
#oldknees
Never mess with a drunken pig.