I’m just a girl, sitting on a plane, watching each person come closer to the empty seat beside me and thinking “please don’t sit here”.
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Me: I just got let go from my security guard job at the prison.
Friend: Well, they say when one door closes, another one opens.
Me: I’M AWARE OF WHY I WAS FIRED, DOUG!
it’s not about the cards you’re dealt, but how you play the hand you’ve got hidden up your sleeve
We can put a man on the moon but we can’t reference any other achievements?
Greese be like we go together like shamalamghwejghsdiuoeqwhgiwjrsdkhjkgwidjskbgfiuegkajsfkj
11-year-old: I’m bringing my saxophone home from school tomorrow.
Me: Why?
11: To practice making sounds.
Me: You mean notes?
11: No. We haven’t learned those yet.
Lucky us.
My wife’s tweezers were missing the other day, she finally found them near a fly with no wings, I don’t know how that happened.
friend: this has been the worst day of my life
me, an aspiring motivational life coach: worst day of your life SO FAR
Me: my fitbit broke
Sales Guy: how
Me: i put it on my dog’s tail and asked him who’s a good boy
Sales Guy: if i give you a new one can i see
On average, 13 people a year are killed by sharks, and 2 of those are stabbings
I’m beginning to suspect I wasn’t sold a corgi
There’s nothing to stop you from whispering “I’m in!” like a hacker when you enter your own email password.
AT&T literally grounded someone of you with loss of telephone privileges.
to the lifeguard saving me: how long can you hold your breath
I like to sleep naked, I love the feeling of the sheets against my skin.
On an unrelated note I’m not allowed in Ikea anymore
[taking girlfriend out]
her dad: have her back at a reasonable time
me: don’t worry sir *clicks seatbelt* i have her back all the time
her dad: propose
I developed a very large vocabulary to avoid words I couldn’t spell.
Person: “Why are you wheelchair bound?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “To even the playing field for everyone else.”
my parents got an amazon echo for christmas & all they do is shout at it & get disappointed by all it can’t do. i’ve been replaced by alexa & it’s great.
As meltdowns go I think this one is pretty mild. Oh and by the way, the fact that nobody has offered me drugs yet is pretty disappointing.
*gets b̶e̶t̶t̶e̶r̶ bitter with age*
Joke’s on my neighbour, I actually like being kept locked in his shed.
March 16
“THIS IS NOT A DRILL. I REPEAT, THIS IS NOT A DRILL”
– when Dad gave me a DIY lesson
BOSS: Welcome aboard! This is the time clock—
ME: All clocks are ‘time’ clocks, you simpleton.
“Invisible Woman” just followed me.
I did not see that coming.
Doc: ‘So you’re not sleeping?’
Me: ‘Not really.’
Doc: ‘You drinking water?’
Me: ‘Few glasses a day’
Doc: ‘Alcohol?’
Me: ‘Plenty’
Doc: ‘Exercise?’
Me: ‘Not much’
Doc: ‘Coffee?’
Me: ‘Yes, please.’
Me: I hope I get a good night’s sleep.
My dog at 1 AM: Hey I just did a huge diarrhea on the carpet.
6: Daddy the floor is lava!
Me: Oh yeah? *Pushes wife off chair*
Why are the pyramids in Egypt?
Bc they were too heavy to carry to the British museum.
stay together for the future spouses of your kids, having two sets of in-laws is sadistic stuff