On average, 13 people a year are killed by sharks, and 2 of those are stabbings
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I, for one, like it when blackberry seeds get stuck in my teeth at breakfast. Gives me little mouth missions to accomplish throughout the day.
*opens paper towels*
dog
me: It’s not food
*opens mail*
dog
me: It’s not food
*opens package of scissors*
dog
me: It’s not f
I was fired from the zoo for exploding the budget, but I still think the giraffes look pretty great in those turtleneck sweaters.
Me *enters new password*
Computer: ok
Me: Aren’t you going tell me it’s too weak?
Computer: It is but you don’t handle criticism very well
Me *crying* that’s not true
“I’ll never understand why people can’t sleep with a closet door open” I say while making sure my feet don’t hang over the side of the bed.
Everyone’s family
When my new neighbor dies, I’m going to hire the same tree removal service he has outside my window right now to work during his burial.
Kinda rude that books come in volumes when librarians hate sound
You don’t see many dog librarians. Probably because of the barking.
“dogs are better than cats they crap outside” yeah except if my cat has to crap at 1am he can just go but if my dog needs to I gotta get up out of bed and let him out like that is not superior
Therapist: ‘Sarcasm will get you nowhere.’
Me: ‘Actually, it got me to the National Sarcasm Championship game in Las Vegas back in 98.’
Therapist: ‘Really?’
Me: ‘No.’
Text:
Me: I want you to know I love you from the depths of my soul. You are my essence & the reason I live. With you, I am whole.
Her: K
ME: don’t involve me in your bullshit
SON: it’s called homework
“…and use only your finest microwaves.”
– me, trying to impress my date at Applebee’s
[walks into restaurant] hello, do you serve chicken?
hostess: we sure do
[holding the door for my chicken friend] perfect
“you have some nerve” yeah idiot i have like 7 trillion in me
Reintroducing spiders into my friend’s apartment to get rid of her cockroach problem. I’m sure she’ll thank me later.
Her: Do me on that counter
*Later in therapy*
Her: He tried to have sex with me on an abacus.
Twitter is like a dorm, someone is always up at every hour, someone is crying and someone is drunk.
[Checks for abs]
Abs : I have a boyfriend
So fluffy! 😍 #Cats #CatsOfTwitter
My GF left me because she said I lied about stupid things. I was so upset I ate a car park 🙁
Don’t tell me I don’t know anything about love. I just saw them open up a cheesecake sampler at Costco.
[driving test]
INSTRUCTOR: Any initial concerns?
ME: Volcanoes
I: About the test?
M: No
I: Ok then let’s go
M: *drives into active volcano*
Black Friday Shopping Tips:
1. You don’t need anything
2. You can’t afford anything
3. You’ll just be in the way
ME: *hands a hundred dollar bill to a dog groomer and points at my head* just try your best
This is the final season of Young Sheldon.
I hope they don’t kill him off.
[at my funeral]
ventriloquist: please don’t judge me, he paid me a lot of money to do this
me: hi everybody!
wife *resting after surgery*
me
wife
me [holding flowers and a Transformers birthday balloon] They didn’t have any that said “Get Well Soon”
THERAPIST: You need to find yourself
WALDO: ah crap