*grabs your ankle from a storm sewer* if your barbie doll needs a hula hoop use an onion ring
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I know I’m getting older because I need more and more help from my teen to complete the People magazine crossword puzzle.
Order a pizza then act confused when it arrives. “A delivery for Aaron? Aarons DEAD. He DIED ordering a pizza in this house 10 years ago”
[contacting you by Ouija board after murdering you]
AND ANOTHER THING
Up to 300 serial killers are active every day but the good news is that some of us have been incapacitated by the internet.
I’m waiting to board my flight at the airport and I just saw a woman finish her book, stand up and angrily throw it in the bin.
Good luck robbing my house. My home security system is LEGOs on the floor.
*gets email*
-Do you want to chat with hot nineteen-year olds in your area?-
*responds*
“Can any of them help me with this iTunes update?”
It’s gonna be a great beach day, and other mean things meteorologists say as I’m getting ready for work.
The twelve days of Christmas be like:
Days 1-4: Birds
Day 5: FINALLY, A DECENT GIFT
Days 6-7: oh… more birds
Days 8-12: Slavery(?)
cats have two bladders: a normal one and an emergency one only for use right after you change their litter box
Sex with me is like bowling. Lots of drinking and cursing. Sticking your fingers in weird holes. You have to rent shoes.
I forgot the word confetti so I just said jazz hands graffiti
Once a lap dog, always a lap dog
I hop in a tanning bed during storms in the hopes of being struck by lightning & turned into a lame, but beautifully bronzed, superhero.
My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.
What, I’m Asian?
*slides off Uggs & infinity scarf inside Starbucks*
*buys a bonsai tree*
Me: I know we haven’t known each other for long but *gets down on one knee* Will you marry me?
Priest: Actually I’m here to marry you AND your fiancé now get up people are staring
This meal prepping shit easy
DOCTOR [hitting me with his car] This is for not eating that apple
The Human Body Is 90% Water, So Basically We’re Just Cucumbers With Anxiety” – Science Person
Big decision to make? Sleep on it. Have a nightmare. Then you’ll be operating on pure adrenaline and choose more quickly.
Woke up this morning after a hard night of boozing, stepped on the scale and I lost 3 pounds.
There ya have it. Dignity weighs 3 pounds.
*notices it’s not even 8am*
*been tweeting like a boss…*
*…to 5 insomniacs*
My kid : mum lets buy something we can play together – skipping rope?
Me *buys snakes and ladders board game*
Of course I consume a lot of carbs. I don’t want to get decarbohydrated.
doctor: there are two wolves inside of you
me: … what does that mean? am i going to die?
doctor: won’t we all, someday?
me: shouldn’t you know?
doctor: *looking at the MRI* my doctorate is in philosophy
What’s the proper salutation to use when writing a resignation letter to your children?
For once I’d like to get kicked INTO a bar
[spider’s junk email folder]
-TURN YOUR WEBS INTO $$$$
-HOT SPIDERS ON YOUR CEILING WANT TO MEET YOU
-TRY THE ULTIMATE 8 LEG DIET TODAY
Wife: can you pick up milk?
Me: [lifts gallon] yea it’s easy
Wife: I mean from the store
Me: I would imagine it weighs the same there too