“TSA, How can I help you?”
Me: “Why did you guys put my frog on the No-Fly List?!”
Agent: “Umm…”

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Clicks “open”

Tries door

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Tries door

What the FU..

Wrong car

(I have a master’s degree)


Anxiety tip: Next time you cringe over some embarrassing moment you had years ago try to remember other people’s embarrassing moments. You can’t can you? That’s because you’re the only embarrassing human to exist, everyone else is always thinking about how cringey you are.


The first of Jay-Z’s 99 problems is the obsessive compulsive disorder that requires him to know his precise number of problems at all times.


Survivor 1: “Help! I can’t swim! I’m drowning!” Survivor 2: “I have a buoy, friend.”


I’m gonna play on a Slip n’ Slide in my front yard tomorrow morning while the kids on my street wait for the school bus. #Hero


“At least Donald Trump says what he thinks.”

Ah yes if only all racists would shout about it constantly the world would be a better place.


I can’t get out of bed. These blankets have accepted me as one of their own and If I leave now I might lose their trust.


I’m at my most superstitious when there’s no wood in sight so I knock on paper three times. Hey, it’s made from trees and I don’t want to jinx myself.


I’m not saying she has daddy issues but she only fills out credit cards for the instant approval.


If insanity is doing the same thing over & over and expecting different results, I must be sane cause I don’t even like doing things once.