I have just one word for beautiful women with questionable morals, poor decision making skills and an insatiable sex drive,
“Hi”.
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The Seven Deadly Sins:
1. Envy
2. Gluttony
3. Greed
4. Lust
5. Pride
6. Calling Lego ‘Legos’
7. Wrath
1977: stayin’ alive
2020: stayin’ alive
*takes cat from pocket of doctor’s coat & holds it over patient*
He has finished his scan. He says he doesn’t like you & you have cancer.
Only a fool would use the toothbrush the dentist gives you. You think the dentist would freely hand you the tools that would keep them away?
For whatever reason, I get super quiet when I hear a helicopter…like they are going to fly over my house and say, “WE KNOW HOW MANY TACO BELL SAUCE PACKETS YOU HAVE IN THERE.”
Maybe I’ll make you laugh, maybe I’ll sacrifice you to the ancient gods. You don’t know.
My wife is not buying that Russians hacked my phone and texted that her mother is an overbearing windbag with no sense of boundaries.
“My door is always open.”
— World’s worst submarine commander
Ever get up to tell your boss something and then decide to email it to him instead because it would look more like you’ve been doing something?
With my luck I would finally get a Hogwarts letter and it would say “we’ve been trying to reach you about your cars extended warranty”
I miss the good ol’ days until I remember things like having to get out of my chair and smack the tv to get a clearer picture.
Dash light: “0 miles to empty.”
Me: “Bet.”
I shaved my legs today and drew the hair back on. I don’t get it, eyebrow ladies, I don’t get it.
If by axe throwing, you mean throw all of my son’s body spray in the trash because he uses it so much, then yes I’ll go axe throwing with you.
#WarAgainstPorn because they’re having sex and we’re not. No porn for anyone until everyone’s having sex, ok?
“I really can’t stay“
Baby, it’s cold outside
“My Uber’s on its way”
Ok, that’s cool, actually… I thought I was going to have to give you a ride
Unfortunately, Superman won’t be able to fight Dracula this evening…
.
.
.
.
.
.
He won’t go near the crypt tonight.
Waiter: Dessert’s on me.
Me: *leaning close* Where on you, Jeremy?
Sydney actually has a lot of cool bars it’s just that to find them you have to walk into random shops and lean on shit like a Scooby Doo character until you find the secret passage.
I hate cars with no Tint get me outta this water bottle 😡😡
Me: The face is a tortilla. The eyes are banana slices and the mouth is made of peanut butter. His name is Bertram. He’s my best friend.
[12 minutes later]
Me: I have eaten my best friend.
sometimes I feel sad and then sometimes I go get an apple pie and vanilla soft serve from McDonald’s and mush them together so I can be fat and sad
Who needs to watch the #SOTU when I can just read my TL? Here’s what I’ve learned so far: John Boehner is still orange.
ASTRONAUT 1:So sorry
ASTRONAUT 2: My condolences
ASTRONAUT 3: Forgive us~~The crew of the Apollo-G
Anything can be for breakfast if you put the word breakfast in front of it. Breakfast Pizza, Breakfast Burger, Breakfast Burrito, Breakfast Martini.
You text him, he doesn’t text you back. Obviously he was so excited that you texted that he fainted.
girls please stop wearing Harley Davidson shirts if you don’t listen to his music
Women are like angels, and when someone breaks our wings, we simply continue to fly……. on a broomstick, we’re flexible like that
Jurassic Park is still my favorite movie about giant electric fences.