Maybe I’ll make you laugh, maybe I’ll sacrifice you to the ancient gods. You don’t know.
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why try to flirt with someone who leaves you on read when you could be enjoying some soup instead
Dear resealable chocolate bag, your confidence in my self-control was truly inspiring. And you were delicious.
KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that
At the young age of 5, a bear told me that I am the only person who can prevent forest fires. Why I was chosen, I’ll never know.
[Shipwrecked diary]
Day 1: I found a pen, and a notebook to write in. More pens. I might be in a Staples. Printer paper. I’m in a Staples.
The worst walk of shame is the one back onto the crowded elevator after getting out on the wrong floor.
I just couldn’t get into “The walking dead”. It was far too unrealistic and fake for me. I mean, come on, an Asian guy named Glenn???
*draws chalk outline around my VISA card*
Why is the floor squeaking upstairs; does the cat weigh that much? Jeezus I hope the cat weighs that much.
Remember, you CAN have your cake and eat it too.
In fact, you can’t even eat a cake you don’t have.
let’s hear it for plates that are bowls
Results are in: a lot of people took the “never change” yearbook inscription way too seriously.
Why is Twitter so quiet on Sundays?
No way you’re all at church.
You don’t have to buy high thread count sheets. Just buy cheap sheets and use them for 20 years. Like butter, I tell you.
I’ve learned something today – “dibs” is not the appropriate response when your best friend announces their divorce.
After 12 years of marriage we no longer spoon. We chopstick.
Current adult status: Just got into a heated debate about whether or not Merida from Brave is a Disney princess. I won. She is not.
Made plans to exercise with a friend and now I have to go get in a car accident.
Pro Tip : Don’t shout at a mate going through airport security “You are the bomb dude, you are the bomb !!”
Welcome to your 40’s you are 15-20lbs overweight no matter what and sweat constantly. You irritate anyone under 30, and have 5 years max left before your phone completely confuses you.
8:00 AM: I am 100% committed to this new diet!
8:45 AM: Eats an entire box of uncooked lasagna noodles
HER: I hate you
ME: Hate is such a strong word
[cut to hate benching 300 lbs]
HATE: *whispering* I will be the strongest word ever
if you’re feeling stressed, remember to IN EX HAHA LE LE
You come to my house…on the day my daughter is to be married…and you ask me to do murder for money
Just because they call the 20yr high school reunion Prom 2.0 doesn’t mean you should wear your prom dress. I know this now.
they probably named the Rocky mountains first and then saw all the other mountains and were like “oh”
Instead of saying “I lost 35 pounds”,
say, “I lost half a super-model”
Me: I’m heading to the grocery store. Any requests?
12-year-old: You know the stuff you usually buy?
Me: Yeah.
12: Don’t get any of it.
If you need anything you can call me any time of the day or night. I won’t answer and my ringer will be off, so it won’t bother me at all.