[looking for our lost son in the mall]
ME: we should split up and find him
WIFE: *serves me with divorce papers*
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*crawls up from backseat*
*slowly pulls off paper bag from head*
What? No… I’m not embarrassed by your driving
If you ever see me wearing anything fur lined or faux fur, please punch the person I’m with in the face. I’ve been kidnapped & need saved!!
On Average, ovulating women prefer rugged & masculine men.
Menstruating women prefer men duct-taped and on fire.
If you click with someone, be their friend. If they prove they’re not worthy of your friendship, bury the body & start again.
I saw jimmy fallon meeting with crab people from outer space. he was giving away our military secrets and laughing at everything they clacked at him with their claws and just generally acting like a piece of shit. you could tell even the crab people were getting uncomfortable
Salt can’t be the only delicious rock. There must be other delicious rocks somewhere…
My daughter asked me this morning
if this year for Halloween
instead of a mermaid
she could be a wet ghost.Um, a what now?!
This child was talking about a damn JELLYFISH
Tweet about drinking too much = 50 quick likes
Facebook about drinking too much = A phone call from my mom
11 famous chickens who flew the coop, number 7 will surprise you
– cluckbait
My neighbours were furious last time I held a yard sale.
I sold their house.
When I miss my parents I put 12 expired salad dressings in my fridge and it feels like home
One time I waited 30 minutes for a bakery to open to get the best birthday party cupcakes. It was a Monday. The bakery was closed on Mondays.
I think about that a lot.
Since I got my iPhone eleventeen last week I have taken about 47 screenshots of my Home Screen just trying to turn the gd thing off.
Me, when the vintage convertible nice Mr Megatron at the dealership sold me turns out to be two dead autobots welded together: “I can’t believe this deception! What a con!
… WAAAIT A MINUTE!”
You brought me roses? I can’t eat this. Get out.
Stupid dryer didn’t work just because I “didn’t turn it on”
[lying with girlfriend & looking up at the stars]
“Hey–”
*points to shooting star*
“You’ve put on a lot of weight.”
I like how people say “manage your depression” like it’s a stock portfolio but you’re heavily invested in sadness
Guys will say literally anything to get laid like “you’re beautiful” or “you can have my last donut”, shit like that
Nobody:
Neighbors: THEYRE ASLEEP LETS SET OFF ALL THE FIREWORKS
STORY TIME
my skin is a few shades darker than my siblings on either side, so I stood out.
one time when I was about 5, a woman looked at all of us and asked
“are you tan from the sun!?”
and i said
“no i’m nate from earth”
what i mean when i say i’m rolling myself a fat one
Not sure what I did wrong to get targeted ads for pants with underwear sewn in.
Told my daughter that whoever takes the longest nap gets to choose what’s for dinner.
And now we wait.
let’s play a round of hopscotch 𝕆ℝ 𝔻𝕀𝔼
Yelling at the kids to get ready for bed 35 minutes after I already put them to bed is how I function on cold medicine.
Do you scroll through Netflix to find a good show for your dog to watch when you leave the house or are you normal?
My mom is learning how to use emoji and today she sent me the thumbs up. Did my mom break up with me? Oh well. We had a pretty good run.
*son walks in as mom hides her urban dictionary word-of-the-day calendar*
Mom: How was school?
Son: ok
Mom: Had a real trill lunch with Nona
If you don’t charge your Fitbit, it can’t express disappointment in you.