“can you send us a writing sample?” no but i can send you multiple screenshots of me killing it in the group chat
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[shows jury picture of gruesome murder scene]
*they all gasp*
That was my initial reaction too. Those shoes with those pants?
The boys I nanny for just asked me where I work and I didnt have the heart to tell them their parents pay me to hang out with them so now they think I work at Chili’s
Canada’s got it right, when they don’t want a citizen, they just convince them they have talent so they move to the US. #JustinBeiber
ME: *reading a tweet* What does fr mean?
WIFE: For real
ME: Yes Sharon. I wouldn’t ask if I didn’t want to know.
one day, after your children have moved out, you realize it was your husband who you needed to hide the good cookies from all along
At the dr’s office: “So, do you think this is a hemorrhoid?”
My therapist:
☺️
I don’t think humans are capable of sounding more disgusting than when they are being rude to their mothers or singing along to Mariah Carey
If a woman is in Lowe’s buying a plunger, she doesn’t want to be hit on. She’s dealing with enough shit already.
Shepherd’s wife: You always seem so happy dear.
Shepherd: I got ewe babe.
FUN FACT:
Bears hibernate in the winter just to get away from Christmas music…
Be right back guys, I just fried up some bacon and have to clean up the mess.
[8 months later]
Ok, I’m back.
You saw nothing. I am ham.
Me: *confronts childhood bully* I’ve been waiting for this day
Bully: OH YEAH?
Me: *calls my mom & whispers* I’m in a little trouble here
#parenting
her: wanna go upstairs
me: yes
her: do u have protection
me: [nervously] why what’s up there
Kids: you burned the popcorn
Me: you gave me stretch marks
Being a mom is easy
I wish the guy who made the vacuum cord would chat with the guys that make phone chargers.
Why isn’t there an egg flavored Gatorade you cowards?
*T-Rex stubs his toe*
OUCH I’M SO MAD. JUST… MAD. I’M…“Angry? Agitated? Irritated? Anno-”
SHUT UP THESAURUS NO ONE ASKED YOU.
Yes, but you should see the other pea
~Black eyed pea probably
the boss has a new hairpiece and i’m trying real hard not to laugh
There is a dude in a fedora sitting next to you on the bus. Is he:
A. a ghost hunter
B. a virgin
C. a sword collector
D. all of the above
Hell hath no fury like an old lady scolding you for going in the wrong direction down a one-way aisle at the grocery store.
Don’t tell me what your cats’ names are, I’ll call’em what I want.
Oh, Mittens & Snuggles?
WRONG. THAT’S WILDSTYLE & THAT’S SNACKMOUTH.
I like to put a banana in a string of hahahahahahahahaha ‘s
No one notices, I dont know why I bother.
hahahabananahahaha
Not sure which is more alarming: English wine or English bears?
[APARTMENT KITCHEN]
GUY: *pouring cooking grease down the drain* i know i shouldn’t, but what do I care, i rent
[SUBTERRANEAN LAIR OF RAT PEOPLE]
RAT KING: *grease drops on his head* that man-thing is the first to die-die
RAT WORKERS: *about to breach the surface* yes-yes
her: when I die can you bury me in my favorite dress
grave digger: I usually just wear my overalls
Back in my day we had another word for selfie sticks, we called them friends.