I like to put a banana in a string of hahahahahahahahaha ‘s
No one notices, I dont know why I bother.
hahahabananahahaha
You Might Also Like
Me: I’m in tears
Bored people on the internet: DO YOU KNOW HOW OFFENSIVE THAT IS TO PEOPLE WITH DRY EYE??
ME: i’ve never been to europe
SOMEONE WHO’S BEEN TO EUROPE: you should totally go
ME: now that i think of it, it’s only been my lack of desire, alone, that has ever inhibited me to go so ok why not
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!We will we will drink you
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!*pours vodka after bad day*
a band called LinkedIn Park that’s just a bunch of accountants having a midlife crisis
You know when you use hedge trimmers but can quite get the line straight so keep cutting more and more till there’s not a lot left?
Anyway, 10 now has a short haircut
There are four main food groups:
1. Canned
2. Frozen
3. Drive-thru
4. Fried
Statistically you’re more likely to be killed by a vending machine than a shark. But here at SharkVend™, we think we may have found a way to even those odds.
My uncle Don got married outside so he could smoke
“It’s like they’re not even impressed that this fits inside my nostril.”
– Toddlers
Rapunzel is my favorite story about a girl who would do anything to have her hair pulled.
Coding: Where incessantly talking to yourself seems completely normal and debugging is like being a detective in a movie where you are both the detective and the perpetrator.
ME: should we give it a dry rub
CORONER: get out
Every now and then something happens on TikTok that transcends social media and becomes a *work of art*
“do u have protection” i feel around for my nightstand. i open the drawer and pull a wrapper out. tearing it open with my teeth i send taco bell sauce everywhere. oh no. wrong drawer. that was my sauce drawer. “im gonna tell my friends bout ur sauce drawer.” the night is ruined
That guy who ran through the White House could go to prison for ten years, so there’s another reason I don’t run.
The closest thing I’ve had to a personal trainer is the ice cream truck that drove past my house.
My cat swallowed a ball of wool a few months ago and just gave birth to a litter of mittens
BUNNIES: I love hopping!
SNAKE WITH BUNNY EARS ON A POGO STICK: Haha yes, but shouldn’t we get home and check on our delicious babies?
Millipede Parent: This little piggy went to market…
*ten years later* …and this little piggy went weee all the way home.
If you fill your girlfriend’s hair dryer with talcum powder & glitter you end up with an angry ex-girlfriend who looks like a sparkly ghost.
Anime henchmen two seconds after the protagonist resheaths his sword
‘Becoming A Mother Has Been The Most Thrilling Experience Of My Life,’ Reports Woman Fleeing Hospital With Stolen Baby
A woman told me at dinner she liked me because I’m “not afraid to eat bread”–so I’m done with socializing for at least a year thanks
Her: Would you like a complimentary orange juice with your breakfast?
Me: No, I’d like the rude, insulting orange juice, please.
I am a brown supremacist. I dream that the whole world will be one giant call centre one day.
I couldn’t find a bowl so Flora is drinking from a margarita glass
Don’t be jealous but my daughter just told me a 95 minute story about a cough drop.
Roommate stood in line at midnight to get the new Grand Theft Auto. While he was waiting, someone stole his car. Irony is the best game!
*sprains wrist doing sports
“MY NACHO HAND!”
TV INTERVIEWER: As if the wedding wasn’t surprising enough, you then eschew the tradition of one spouse taking the other’s name. Instead, you chose to combine your surnames. Any regrets?
BENEDICT AND ENGELBERT CUMBERBUMPERDINCK: Absolutely not