How can my wife’s hands not open a jar of pickles in the day, but become superhuman vice-grips at night when I want some covers?
You Might Also Like
Taught my daughter how to use Amazon Lists and now I have 371 items under “you should buy me this”
Fun Prank: put a live turtle and a tiny pair of nunchucks in your toilet before your guests arrive
[End of day 1, building Rome]
Builder: We’ve finished, boss
Boss: For God’s sake, keep your voice down, we can drag this job out for weeks
Applebee’s boss: You’re fired!
Me: Wha? Why? Is it because I fixed the soup of the day?
AB: No, it’s because you keep saying “Eatin’ good in the neighborhood… if you know what I mean”
M: 😏
AB: Wait, what did you do to the soup?
who is Godzilla’s least favorite relative? his MOTHRA-IN-LAW
Babies look like old men. I told my newborn niece she was my sweet schmoopie angel and she told me to get off her lawn.
Sometimes I think I’m stupid then I remind myself: Would a stupid person spend years of their life on twitter? Yeah I didn’t think so…
Me: I’ve decided to be a mermaid so I can sing and swim all day and have a coconut phone
Him: But, you hate coconut?
Me. Why the hell would I eat my coconut phone? Ugh. It’s like you don’t even understand reality.
I think Schrödinger would’ve really liked the microwave.
I was thrilled when this beautiful girl came up and asked me for a date.
Then I realised it was just because I work at a dried fruit stand.
God must really be loving Stupid people.. He created so many!!
Sorry I rubbed your belly for good luck, wealth and prosperity.
Teen just came out of the dressing room wearing the ugliest top I’ve ever seen so I said ew no to which she answered mom this is literally my shirt that I’ve been wearing all day.
I lied. There was no crime. I just wanted to see how long it would take the police sketch artist to realize I was describing Patrick Swayze.
“I’ve invented the toaster”
SADISTIC CEO: What number toasts it perfectly?
“2”
SC: ok make it *cries with laughter* make it go up to 8
My doctor pulled me aside and asked why I had so many scratches on me and never in my life have I felt more like a teenage boy than when I sheepishly explained it was because last weekend was wrestlemania and I was practicing wrestling moves with my friend.
People who use the lift to go up one floor will be wiped out by natural selection
I lit candles & put a trail of rose petals all over the house in confusing patterns so my husband can’t find me drinking in the closet.
My kids said parenting is easy so I let them put the toddlers socks and shoes on and now everyone is crying.
Our parents were right all along, the music is too loud.
Don’t listen to your heart. It’s just a pump receiving commands from the brain. Don’t listen to your brain, either. If it had any good ideas, you wouldn’t be here now.
my favorite hobby is reading a book by a fireplace in a cabin in the woods. in other words, my favorite hobby is being threatening to trees
Married with Children was much funnier on TV.
After 30 minutes of looking, my husband finally found the car keys. They were in the last place he would think to look: in the pocket. Of the jacket. He was wearing.
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Child: You’re old, it’s expected.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
Me:”The store didn’t have any bread so I brought flour”
Wife:”If they didn’t have butter would you buy a cow”
*sound of hooves in kitchen*
If you only see one raccoon getting a marriage proposal today, make it this one.
I’ve been eating healthy, so it’s not the best time to confront me on something trivial.
A duv-egg? In this economy?