@HaliPhacks

Babies look like old men. I told my newborn niece she was my sweet schmoopie angel and she told me to get off her lawn.

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@petemandik

Ugh, once again scratched my monocle falling asleep on my pile of gold coins.

@FauxFawx

In 1974 I helped a man called “Falcon” throw a heavy bag into the river.That nite on the news, I learned what it was: 300lbs of used condoms

@reallifemommy3

Some mistakes you only make once, like sniffing your kids’ clothes to see if they’re dirty or clean

@squirrel74wkgn

I’m just saying honey, if I sound like a cat throwing up hair balls the next day…it may be time to trim things up a bit.

@flashember

GUY WHO JUST LOVES SHARKS: Can I pet the sharks?
SHARK HANDLER (who sometimes makes bad decisions): Yeah that should be ok

@jakob_huber

Lost in a corn maze? Light it on fire. Turn it into a popcorn maze. Eat your way out.

@clichedout

her: i’m breaking up with u

me: we can work this out Linda

her: it’s Lydia

@TheAlexNevil

*filled stadium
Singer: ARE YOU READY TO ROCK?!
Crowd:
S:
C:
S: I SAID: ARE YOU READY T–
C: WE’RE THINKING