Ugh, once again scratched my monocle falling asleep on my pile of gold coins.
Babies look like old men. I told my newborn niece she was my sweet schmoopie angel and she told me to get off her lawn.
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In 1974 I helped a man called “Falcon” throw a heavy bag into the river.That nite on the news, I learned what it was: 300lbs of used condoms
Some mistakes you only make once, like sniffing your kids’ clothes to see if they’re dirty or clean
I’m just saying honey, if I sound like a cat throwing up hair balls the next day…it may be time to trim things up a bit.
GUY WHO JUST LOVES SHARKS: Can I pet the sharks?
SHARK HANDLER (who sometimes makes bad decisions): Yeah that should be ok
most villains can be defeeted with a simple bone saw.
Lost in a corn maze? Light it on fire. Turn it into a popcorn maze. Eat your way out.
Hate it when I put on active wear and nothing happens.
her: i’m breaking up with u
me: we can work this out Linda
her: it’s Lydia
Singer: ARE YOU READY TO ROCK?!
S: I SAID: ARE YOU READY T–
C: WE’RE THINKING