Babies look like old men. I told my newborn niece she was my sweet schmoopie angel and she told me to get off her lawn.
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[after sex]
her: you were really loudme: *putting down my trombone* yep
“And to my son Ronald, I leave my entire collection of mint-condition, never-been-opened LinkedIn Updates emails.”
I always answer “I know” when folks say “Nice to see you”.
I think it’s only polite to acknowledge their good fortune.
Old MacDonald loaned me cash.
He I, he I owe.
[blind date]
HER: I’m a ghost writer
ME {trying not to look too scared}: When did you die?
in dinosaur culture it’s actually really insensitive to wish upon a falling star
uh oh we better all stand up for the old man in the dress who bangs a tiny hammer down or he might decide that we have to live in a cage
*pulls up to window*
Me: *on phone* Ok, so you want a chocolate shake also? Ok, I’ll get two then. *phone rings while its at my ear*
How to be a politician: 1. Tell people what you’re going to do 2. Don’t do it 3. Change the subject.
Happening now: The young lady sitting next to me on the plane sneezed & I said “Bless you” & she thanked me then she immediately sneezed again & I said “You only get one” and oh she did NOT laugh
A little wine does the body good, a lot of wine does the body better!
Me: I just want to meet someone like me. Someone interesting.
Them: well which is it?
Neighbor thinks I’m stalking her. Any time she hears a noise she is purified. Petrified!
Sorry, not easy reading a diary thru binoculars.
waiter: any questions?
me: did courtney kill kurt??
him: uh, about the menu?
me: LOL i seriously doubt she killed him about the menu
me: Go back!
uber driver: Did I miss the turn?
me [already in the front seat trying to find the station that was playing Taylor Swift]
Under Bush we had 3 Shrek movies.
Under Obama we had 1.
Can we really trust a president whose #1 goal was to bring down the Shrek franchise?
Everyone thinks they won’t be that couple that goes from ‘everything you do is a turn on’ to ‘you’re breathing too loud’ but they will be, oh they will be
My kid is practicing his ninja moves, but he’s doing them right on the front lawn where everyone can see, so he might need more training
If you guys don’t do my “Funeral Ideas” Pinterest board justice at my funeral, I will haunt you so hard
*pinning ideas to “Haunting” board*
I’d be that girl in the movies that can’t successfully hide from the killer because my stomach growls.
If you think today’s generation spend too much time playing video games, you should see how much time my generation spent just waiting for the games to load.
I think my new neighbors are creeps. They seem to be looking into my window every time I’m looking out my window to see what they are doing.
If you ever feel like a complete moron never forget that I managed to text my wife today that she forgot her mobile at home. You’re welcome.
remember
only for emergencies
Boss: Any takeaways from the client meeting?
Me: I got his stapler and two rolls of toilet paper
Me: 🎶 Yesterday, all my troubles seemed so far away 🎶
Optometrist: “You need glasses.”
if ur getting chased by a bunch of drunk 90’s kids just yell out “in west Philadelphia born & raised” then u got like 2 min to run
My kid asked how the Easter bunny gets inside the house and I’m very uncomfortable with the amount of lying this parenting gig requires.
I read a news article about a guy who bought a golden egg for $13k that turned out to be a Faberge egg worth $33 mil. Those kinds of lucky stories would never happen to me. There will never be a news story that says “Man finds lost Rembrandt painting inside bag of Doritos”.
[at symphony concert]
*marimba part begins*
Me: *takes out iPhone* Hello?