me: Go back!
uber driver: Did I miss the turn?
me [already in the front seat trying to find the station that was playing Taylor Swift]
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I didn’t want to grow up; I just wanted to be able to reach for the cookies.
Having kids has taught me that their ears are for decorative purposes only.
‘Why don’t you come over here and taste these Doritos…’
– Romancing the stoned
JUDGE: We’re gonna give you 2 months in jail for the cat pyramid scheme and-
ME: [clearing my throat] Purramid scheme, your honor
LAWYERS: …….
JUDGE: On second thought, we’re going to execute you
Girl: I love Medieval Art
Boy: Who doesn’t? There he is now
Medieval Art: Good morrow! Pray tell- How fare thee on this day of providence?
If babies named Todd don’t call themselves “The Toddler” then what’s the point of having a douchebag baby name like Todd?
[Standards Bar]
Politician: Make it a double.
Today my son put on a new roll of toilet paper for the very first time. He is 19.
if doctors are real how come I haven’t seen one in 29 years
Everyone at my funeral gets a baseball bat, the last one standing gets all my stuff.
Waitress: Welcome to the Karma Cafe
Me: What do you sell here
Waitress: Just desserts
Wife: We’re so happy we finish each other’s
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Marriage Counsellor: ok so not happy
Finally got the mustache thick enough where other mustache guys are giving me the mustache-comradery nod. Absolutely crushed it at Home Depot today. Neck sore from nodding.
Chinese military tactics are pure genius.
*Runs fingers over Braille calendar*
Is this a date? It feels like a date.
Newlyweds: Our love will be strong & unapologetic
[3 months later]
Him: How many bottles of shampoo do you need?
Her: I fake it every time
SATANIST #1: we need a lot of blood for this ritual
SATANIST #2: yeah but how can we carry it all
KOOL AID MAN: why is everybody staring at me
No, sweetie. You can’t see the moon with vernaculars.
Pixar: so it starts with the love story of childhood sweethearts Carl and Elle
Me: omg they’re perfect
Pixar: right? later he goes on a great adventure in a floating house!
Me: haha and what does she do
Pixar:
Me: Pixar what is she doing during the great adventure
What’s this sorcery? 😂
Officer pulled me over & asked if I knew what the speed limit was, like I’m getting paid to tell him his job.
My wife is gone for the next 3 days, so if any ladies out there want to come over & yell at me to take out the garbage & not have sex, hmu
Being a parent means when you actually manage to find a pair of scissors they’re mysteriously sticky
Tell me a hiccup remedy that works, and why is it holding your breath until you see stars, passing out, waking up in a dark alley in Bangkok where you’re signing the life of your first born son over to the hiccup gods.
The #NSA walks into a bar. Bartender: “Got a new joke for you.” NSA: “Heard it.”
I hope you don’t feel as bloated as you look.
Annnd that’s how the fight started.
I haven’t said a single truthful thing on here since I became the King of Sweden.
Bed salesman: I know it’s a lot of money but you spend 35% of your life on it.
Me: 35%?!?… amateur
“Everything’s fine,” the babysitter said into the phone. “But can I cover up the weird clown statue in your hallway?”
“Get out of the house, I’m calling the police,” the father urgently replied. “You have disrespected my clown statue and I hate you.”
The spider I just killed with a napkin isn’t in the napkin, and now I’m in a circle of salt reciting incantations.