I downloaded the Pinterest app and now my phone is stuck in a mason jar.
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I could never join the army because I’d never be able to figure out what time it is.
Sometimes I worry that my son’s childhood is too happy and he won’t be funny when he’s older.
Living check to check is fine til you go from “Think I’ll treat myself to a $7 latte” to “Which kid do I sell to pay for these car repairs.”
I try to always be the bigger person by hanging out with a lot of short people
me: hey dad will you pass the turkey
dad: *pats belly* I sure hope so son
me: there’s something gross in my soup.
waiter: that’s your reflection
PRIEST: the child is inhabited by the same evil spirit we crossed paths with!
CHILD [demon voice]: DON’T END A SENTENCE WITH A PREPOSSESSION
*makes eye contact with beautiful woman across fancy restaurant*
Waiter, send that woman a glass of your finest Sprite.
the word “crocheting” pisses me off. like check out this new word guys, it’s called crowshaying but we’re gonna spell it like screaming with your head in a metal bucket.
O-mi-cron, Becky. Look at that variant.
Calling out sick from work and then showing up anyway to establish dominance and confuse my enemies.
I hate people who say ‘age is just a number’… Age is clearly a word.
me: I believe it was Meatloaf who said two out of three ain’t bad
wife: YOU LEFT ONE OF OUR KIDS AT THE GROCERY STORE
[Waking up]
Me to me: I see my assassin failed.
My wife bought a rice cooker today. I guess we’re going to eat a ton of rice over the next few days and then never again.
Me: “I poop when I’m nervous.”
Doctor: “How often does this occur?”
Me: “I’m extremely nervous right now.”
The best way to express your disagreement is by slapping people with a fish.
I was hesitant to sign my kids up for martial arts classes because I was worried that they might accidentally hurt each other, but after several months of classes I’m confident that they couldn’t hurt anyone even if they tried.
YOU CANT GROUND ME, THE GOVERNMENT ALREADY DID
-Kids
God: i’m sorry but the answer is no.
Butterfly: please?
God: I can’t do it.
Butterfly: don’t I deserve a best friend?
God: yes but a Toastfly is just too ridiculous.
Butterfly: ok fine : (
Jellyfish: he wouldn’t make me a Peanutbutterfish either.
it’ll be another 20 years before vampires can go to the bank again
Only 10 more days til Halloween!
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the strength to shave my legs.
Every time my daughter drinks juice she says “cheers” so…. no, not looking forward to parent teacher conferences.
You can imagine my embarrassment when I was escorted out of the herpetologists office by police because he isn’t an std doctor
Most of my job is making things idiot proof, but they keep making better idiots.
It costs $0.00 to be petty and I love free shit.
if Yoda asks for chocolate milk, do you get him a drink or a candy bar???
I love traveling with my husband because it gives us an opportunity to bicker in new and exotic locations.
WHEN YOU’RE A GHOST, YOU CAN:
1. Float through walls!
2. Find a body in the wall!
3. Wait, that’s you.
4. But then who did they bury in your grave?
5. Solve mysteries!