I’m sitting in my car (eating peanut butter crackers) while watching a couple in another car (who are both eating cheeseburgers) & they’re watching a guy in another car (who is eating pizza.)
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[Staring at bedroom ceiling]
Her:Don’t worry. It happens to every guy
Me:Not to me it doesn’t!
*resumes trying to unscrew lid from pasta jar
[Job Interview]
INTERVIEWER: This isn’t exactly a glowing reference
ME: You’re supposed to read it in the dark stupid
Someone just called my phone, sneezed and then hung up.
I’m getting sick and tired of these cold calls.
Cult leader: we need to sacrifice a virgin to appease the Gods.
*everyone looking at me wearing Jorts*
Me: what?
I could probably survive about a week in the wilderness eating only the food I spill on my shirt any given day.
We don’t have wifi in Tennessee. I just pray my tweets into my phone and let Him (#Christ) do the rest.
still the best tweet of the year by far
Getting fired from the coroners office for yelling “IS IT CAKE?!” before every autopsy
I can also cook 😂
Alexa, mess up everyone’s cell phone service.
I want a masterchef for dudes that live by themselves. but not fancy dishes, they just make what they make every day and Ramsey critiques. ‘Allan you made kraft mac and cheese but added a whole block of butter. Chris, you literally just heated a can of beans. who is going home’
Did you know you can replace Sweet Child O Mine with Sweet Glass O Wine and it makes for an even better song
I’m always disappointed when I board a plane and there’s no handsome man running after me to stop me. Thanks, hollywood.
reminder: the best way to say benedict cumberbatch is to the tune of photograph by nickelback
One of my buddies is so healthy, wealthy, and wise… I wonder what his secret is? I want to ask him but he always goes to bed so early
{me trying to sound cool in front of my son’s friends} ‘sup bruhs tell your moms i said yeet
[first karate lesson]
Me: *entering dojo* BONSAI!!!
Sensei: Do you mean ‘Banzai’?
Me: *just starts chucking little trees at Sensei*
I let friend’s kid call my ex & say “Are you really my daddy?” while I’m in the background yelling “hang up the phone,he doesn’t want you!”
Want to send a 4-year-old boy into a blind rage? Repeatedly tell him he’s wrong and you are positive their names are “Batman and Robert”.
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
My grandmother reached 100 yesterday!
That’s the last time I get in the car with her when she’s late for bingo.
In your 20’s you hope you don’t fall for the wrong person, in your 40’s you hope you don’t fall in the yard when nobody’s home.
Me: What happened to all the bourbon?
Her: Oh, I put it in the chicken.
Me: Then pour me a glass of chicken.
Just heard a woman say, “I never give my dog medicine I haven’t tried first” and her friend responded, “oh, Janet, no.”
Me: How many legs does the dog have?
4 y.o: Five
Me: There’s something wrong with your counting.
4: There’s something wrong with the dog.
[texting]
So what’s your name?
“ily”
omg this is moving too fast.
ILY: (yelling) IT’S HAPPENING AGAIN MOM, WHY DID YOU NAME ME THAT?
According to the heart rate monitor on this treadmill, I died 14 minutes ago.
Impress your date by eating your mashed potatoes with both hands.