In your 20’s you hope you don’t fall for the wrong person, in your 40’s you hope you don’t fall in the yard when nobody’s home.
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Want to feel old? This is what the vampires from Buffy the Vampire Slayer look like now.
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Remember, if you get dumped, it’s only because they’re looking for someone sexier and more attractive. It has NOTHING to do with you.
I got no respect for anyone who has ever uttered the phrase “don’t fill up on bread!’ when they are at a restaurant. Like, buddy I been filling up on bread my whole life, you think I’m going to stop when we are at the place that is giving the shit away for free?!
Every Scooby Doo episode would literally be 2 minutes long if the gang went to the mask store 1st & asked a few questions.
The free hotel blow-dryer should be easier to get off the bathroom wall.
when I was little, I always wanted to explore in my mom’s bedside table and she was horrified if I would even touch the drawer.
now I know it’s because that’s where women hide the good snacks
Date – “I really dig intellectuals”
Me – “oh yeah? well check this out babe”
[counts to 17]
Juror:We find the defendant-
*pizza guy bursts in*
“Ive got 2 pizzas for Not Guilty”
Defendant: Im Not Guilty
Judge:NOT GUILTY
*bangs gavel*
Grandma complained that with age, her joints were getting weaker.
Told her to just roll them a little tighter.
When your bio says “No DMs,” I wanna DM you SO BAD and just say:
“OK.”
walk through life confidently like a NYer does through a red crosswalk signal
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Publix cake decorators should get $50/hr
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So if you eat what you like and don’t exercise, eventually you get a motorised scooter.
I’m really not seeing the down side here.
I wear flip-flops because I hate sneaking up on people.
Had to stop at Walmart for golf balls. Of course they’re all the way in the back. And it occurred to me as I was going to get them that I was walking further than I can hit the damn things.
I do not hit my children. However, I do text them in complete sentences with capitalization and punctuation, which is apparently equally aggressive.
My 11yo just told me the assignment is “mandatoryish” so he doesn’t actually NEED to do it.
The name Corey is short for Coriander. Coreys will try & tell you it’s not but they are lying.
Ever notice how crickets can be ventriloquists? You think you’ve figured out where they are in the house only to hear that they’re somewhere behind you.
[store window advert – 50% off everything]
me: is everything really half off?
sales assistant: absolutely
me: even this $750 suit?
sa: yep, we take 50% off at checkout
me: I’ll take it
sa: *cutting it in half* that’ll be $750, please
Ladies, the day after Halloween don’t forget to buy all the discounted blood capsules to keep in your mouth for when men tell you to smile.
Can you imagine how rich Adam and Eve would be right now if they would have held on to that Apple stock instead of eating it and incurring the wrath of God?
Me: I fell down the stairs with a quart of Jägermeister & I didn’t spill a drop.
Him: Well, how’d you do that?
Me: I kept my mouth shut..
Dispatcher:
“The call is coming from inside the house!”Me, seconds from murdered:
“I have a landline?”
My daughter should be getting her mid quarter grades soon. I’m excited to see how I’m doing in algebra.
One time I went on a date with a women’s basketball coach and he told me that women’s basketball is so much more about the fundamentals, and I have no idea what that means, but I say it every time I watch women’s basketball with other people and all the guys nod in agreement.
I’m pretty sure I made one of those “If we’re both still single” pacts with someone. I just wish I’d written down his name.
what if wolves are onto something? maybe we’ll be happier if we scream at the moon every night
My husband and I often laugh about how competitive we are, but I laugh more.
Hitting people with a metal yard stick while wearing a “SOCIAL DISTANCING OFFICER” badge is now perfectly legal.