when I was little, I always wanted to explore in my mom’s bedside table and she was horrified if I would even touch the drawer.
now I know it’s because that’s where women hide the good snacks
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I before E except when you run a feisty heist on a weird beige foreign neighbour.
Her: Hi! How’ve you been?
Me: Great! You?
Her: So good! Family?
Me: Great! Yours?
Her: Good!
Me: Let’s catch up soon.
Her: Definitely! Call me.Husband: Who was that?
Me: I have no idea.
turkey? Nope. I haven’t seen a turkey
Me: I’m a tenor.
Her: You’re a six, and I’m being generous.
the new ghostbusters r all womans?? seriuosoly. all womans?, this is the most unrealistic thing about the movie about peopel who bust ghosts
I feel kind of sad that in some countries children are starving and I’m over here eating spiders in my sleep like a god damn glutton.
Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.
It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.
What happens when you build a house on top of an old cemetery for accordion players?
You have a polkageist.
My little dog: *knocks garbage can over in kitchen, walks by me with pizza crust hanging out of his mouth like a cigar*
🤣🤣🤣
day 1: dear diary i have been stranded on a desert island
day 18: im starting to think that help will never come
day 120: i was rescued by a couple fishermen!
day 121: i have been dropped back off on the island because i kept saying “thank cod u guys found me” to the fishermen
skydiving instructor: were not letting you jump out of this plane without a parachute
me: *wearing a hat with a little propeller on top* just trust me
ME: Ask me what the three most important things about egg storage are
WIFE: No. You’re just going to say something stupid
ME: I promise I won’t…Just ask me
WIFE: Okay, fine. What are the three most important things about egg stor-
ME: Yokation, yokation, yokation.
I fed my dogs spaghetti so they could kiss, but instead they’re growling over a cold meatball and not sitting still for my painting.
I’m dreaming of getting rich like my father.
Wow your dad must be a rich man.
No, he too is dreaming of getting rich.
Server: What kind of sauce do you want for your pasta?
15: The tears of my enemies…
Kids are fun.
Bomb Squad: it’s going to explode if anyone makes any sudden movements
Officer: oh no
Hostage: oh no
Kool Aid Man: OH Y
Coworker: sorry to bother you
Me: you should be
Police have arrested the World Tongue-Twister Champion.
They said he’ll be given a tough sentence.
i be like “i’m fine” then shake my leg 200mph
Just got myself some new
memory foam shoes.Maybe now I’ll remember
why I walked in the room.
I spend 99% of my drunk time chasing my cat around trying to give him a hug.
A sad text from my wife when we were dating was “I don’t feel good, I can’t make it tonight.”
A sad text from my wife today is “Don’t forget to pick up cauliflower rice on your way home.”
Them: The children are our future.
The children: [can’t figure out how the mute button works]
Twitter is for people who tried suffering in silence and realized it wasn’t for them.
[zoom meeting]
big zit on my chin:
My dogs bowl has DOG written on it so my kids don’t eat it
[couples board game night]
“relax brent, it’s only monop-”
*fake smile* why don’t you tell everyone how you brush your teeth with hot water”
“Honey, can you bring me a
roll of toilet paper?”Toilet paper- “I have a boyfriend”