Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.
It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.
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Show someone you love them today by rearranging the apps on their phone.
[buys new refrigerator with water dispenser]
day 1: I will never tire of this water dispenser
day 15: still luvin’ this water dispenserday 4563: wahey! water dispenser
me: God?
God: yes my child
me: I need help-
God: ask and thou shall receive
me: -moving into my new apt
God:
me:
God:
me: hello?
Dogs reunited with family: OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! I MISSED YOU SO MUCH!
Cats reunited with family: I see you peasants are still alive. Feeding me wouldn’t displease me I guess.
I tried to check your drinking water for quality and freshness. Next time please warn me when it’s sparkly water that will bite my nose holes
Forty-three-year-old bodies be like you didn’t workout yesterday and now you’ve gained 35 pounds.
*phone rings*
Me: THANK GOD YOU CALLED I’VE BEEN SO WORRIED ABOUT MY CAR WARRANTY!
judge: your click bait articles have been deemed fraudulent. How do you plead?
me: I’m innocent and you won’t believe why! click here
I’m sorry I got you birth control for Christmas and said it was my gift to the world.
I freaked out thinking a cricket was following me for 3 blocks until I realized my phone alarm was set to the cricket sound
My friend (an X-ray tech) started dating a new guy and frankly I don’t know what she sees in him
I just remembered the time I was dating a British man and I was annoyed at him about something so I deliberately made my tea in the microwave while staring him right in the eyes
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: hindsight
professor x: that won’t help us
me: yes I see that now
me: my car makes a funny noise
mechanic: that’s the horn
Everybody always says say “No!” to drugs, but I’m thinking that if you’re talking to drugs, it’s too late
I bought some Velcro shoes so that nobody can make fun of my velcro wallet anymore because now they will match
Halloween: The one day I can flap my arms like a bat and nobody asks any questions.
Today’s Tarot Card: It’s not the destination that matters; it’s the huge number of enemies you’ve made along the way.
“Is that a banana in your pocket or…a dead banana?” -Schrödinger
When the zombie apocalypse comes and you’re in Walmart, how will you know?
Calling in sick cuz I got the zoomies and gave myself a concussion
Actually, I want to be a robot for Halloween
-my 3 yo, just before noon, October 31
“i think anyone using twitter still is evil” okay what are you gonna do about it. post about me on something called Florpable
*gets so drunk I grab a fish out of your fish tank and shakes it at you screaming “WHAT KIND OF DOG IS THIS?!” *
talking to animals doesn’t make you crazy, hearing them talk back does
Why does watching a movie with the kids mean constantly having to remind them I didn’t write the script?
To the thief who stole my self-cloning machine, how can you live with yourself??
It’s too bad The Carpenters never got to do a project with MC Hammer and Nine Inch Nails.
Saw another story about a missing hiker.
I never went missing sitting at home.