“Is that a banana in your pocket or…a dead banana?” -Schrödinger
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Netflix needs an “unwatch” button so you can watch the newest episode without getting caught
If Tetris has taught me anything it’s that errors pile up and accomplishments disappear.
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
My Millennial gets her Masters in December and of course I’m proud but she called me last week to say our toaster broke and long story short, she plugged the wrong appliance in.
day 1 of quarantine: Today I will write the great American novel
day 32 of quarantine: Today I will marry my parakeet to my other parakeet
My husband is obsessed with keeping our new car in pristine condition, so I carry a little vial of glitter with me at all times in case he pisses me off.
(NASA)
HQ: Good launch everyone.
Astronaut: Uhh what’s that buzzing noise?
NASA Prankster: Definitely rocket noise and not bees.
My 5yo is writhing on the ground with her legs in the air screaming into a blanket while we wait for our food delivery.
It’s like looking in a mirror.
I set a rat trap last night & this morning the cheese was gone & there was a picture of my kids in it, what does this mean
can’t believe I got front row seats
Mermaid: I lay the eggs
Merman: and I fertilize them
Meredith: I’m Edith, I like to watch
The cupcakes I started baking in my Easy Bake Oven in 1978 are ready.
Anybody want one?
I pick up every feather that I see on the floor.
Interviewer: that’s a weird strength.
Me: How was school?
6-year-old: Why do you always ask that?
Me: …because I want to know.
6: That’s not a very good reason.
Went to my uncle’s funeral today open bar pretty good food but my uncle was dead 3/5 stars
By the time you feel a butterfly under your heel, it’s already dead.
Consider it relationship advice.
Hey when I die will you please put my body into a box and then bury it in a big yard specifically for body boxes?
microdosing lsd to gain a creative advantage at my job as a subway sandwich artist
*pats belly*
Stranger: Awww do you know what it is?
Me: Yes. Nachos.
You look like the type of person who would try to write a check for a drug deal.
I hope one of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse is single.
My childhood imaginary friends grew up to become groupies for my very successful air guitar trio.
WIFE: OMG how did grandma’s ashes get knocked off the mantel?
ME: Actually I think it was-
*cat makes throat slice gesture*
-the wind
You guys have made me afraid to pick up my son’s socks
European out-of-offices: “I’m away camping for the summer. Email again in September”
American out-of-offices: “I have left the office for two hours to undergo kidney surgery but you can reach me on my cell anytime”
I Saw someone say Florida upside down look like the grinch and after i flipped my Phone i’m mad i can’t unsee it😭😭😭
if y’all catch me barking while my dog is sleeping, mind your business i’m teaching her a lesson
-Where was I conceived, dad?
Dad: Ahh *rubs back of neck* At the Bellagio in Las Vegas.
-Rly?
Dad: Wd I lie to u, Bestwestern Broomcloset?
“I’ll fix the roof myself,” I said, “save some money” I said…