Just why bro?!
You Might Also Like
GOOD COP: Tell us what you know
BAD COP: Or we’ll turn up the heat
DAD COP: DON’T YOU TOUCH THAT DAMN THERMOSTAT
Prescription drug commercial: the most common side effect is diarrhea
Me: ooo I love diarrhea
One thing I’ve learned about this world is that there are always going to be people who want to change you.
-babies
*slowly slides PBJ under seat*
I want a “refrigerataur.” Half horse, half refrigerator. I could ride it AND eat from it which is just plain sensible we are in a recession.
I’ve hidden porn everywhere. Not ordinary porn either, all that weird shit.
When I die, my family will talk about me for years to come.
Amazon Prime would be a good title for a Wonder Woman movie.
A nice man at the store was so thrilled to hear our 3yo yelling “BUY ME A BOOK!!”, we didn’t have the heart to tell him that instead of reading, our kid only wants to rip out the pages and eat them like some sort of high-fiber illustrated buffet.
*saves baby from burning building*
“How can I ever repay you?!”
Favstar in the bio
“Oh I don’t have Twi-”
*returns baby to burning building*
Me: I’m a programmer.
Person 1: “make my website pls”
Person 2: “I have a billion dollar idea”
Person 3: “can you fix my printer?”
Person 4: “How do I create a table of contents in Microsoft Word?”
Neighbor: “Can you fix the building’s elevator?”
*blows bubbles in your face to distract you as I take all of your tater tots*
Mr. Beast: I locked 30 single moms in an IKEA with unlimited weapons and gave the winner $200,000
Everybody: Hey man. You shouldn’t do that
Me: *stomach rumbling*
8: Why is your tummy making those noises?
M: I’ve not sent anything it’s way for an hour, it’s checking I’m still alive
rival dad next door just randomly decided to power wash his driveway on a Wednesday at 10:30 in the morning. guess i’m gonna have to install an in ground pool and tiki bar this afternoon.
a relationship should be 50/50. 50% donkey 50% dragon
My kitchen after I cut an everything bagel in half
I woke up this morning feeling ever so confident that today was the day I would commit myself to physical fitness.
Right after I finish this bacon, egg, and cheese McGriddle.
I’m not flirting, I’m being friendly.
*gets on knees and undoes your belt*
EXECUTIONER: Any last words?
ME: I’m wearing women’s panties.
EXECUTIONER: I meant from the prisoner, Dave.
Every so often I remember the gut-wrenching disappointment of 11th grade English when I read enough of The Great Gatsby to find out he was just some thirsty dork instead of a magician
This kid is a star!
*enters bubble blowing contest
*blows BIG bubble
*guy blows BIGGER bubble
*pulls knife
*pops bubble(ALWAYS bring a knife to a gum fight.)
The Passion of the Christ 2: Jesus in Space
He conquered the sins of the world, but can he conquer the sins of the galaxy?
[Me, in sign language, next to volcano]
The Earth soup is not for eating
My 3 year old isn’t talking to me because I followed him home from the park
she loves me [takes bite of hotdog]
she loves me not [takes another bite of hotdog]
If O is to Orange, and / is to Division, then Ø is to Fruit Ninja.
[hearing that someone has died]
oh no that guy hated dying
My wife tried on my cargo shorts and now they have fake pockets.
Dear parents who line up 45 minutes early in the school pick-up line,
I don’t understand.