Seven words literally no one wants to hear from their teenager, ”how much would a new toilet cost?”
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dating after 40 is like riding a bike uphill through a blazing inferno with flat tires.
the matrix is a movie about the hottest people in the world using the computer
ME: all of these expired do you have any newer ones
CORONER: no
you could’ve given me a million hints plus unlimited time and i would’ve never landed on “dua lipa and trevor noah are dating”
a horror film where the victim walks into her kitchen and everyone she’s muted on twitter is standing there drinking coffee
If snot was currency we’d all end up paying through the nose.
Guys! I’ve learned the secret women use to find things. Women actually MOVE THINGS AROUND when looking for something on a cabinet shelf!
I ate the whole box of slim fast bars. So excited about how skinny I’ll be when I wake up tomorrow.
I love how some stores don’t even bother hiding that they sell fakes. I respect the hell out of a shop that has Professor Martins front and center. Yes please I will take one pair of Air Georges.
There’s “disappointment” and then there’s “Waiter walking past my table with food I thought was mine disappointment”
I was having a rough day so my wife suggested we make bread dough together.
I kneaded that.
All I’m saying is if I was murdered there’d be a lot of suspects
I thought I was a decent driver, but while I was driving my 7-year-old comforted her crying baby sister by saying, “Don’t worry. You’ll get used to it.”
ME: I guess in a way I saved YOU.
PARAMEDICS: …
early stone age tool
[son on his wedding day] dad what’s the best part of marriage?
[thinking about how there’s always bananas in the house] her smile
Dads are never closer to their pioneer heritage than when they are seeking out a spot for their family at the beach.
judge: how do you plead
me: *burps* excuse me
judge: you are excused
me: [running away] gottem lol
Her: make this delicious snack in just five easy steps
Me, opening a chip bag in one easy step: no
Me: Dark Lord, I am your devoted servant. Please accept this sacrifice as proof of my —
Satan: I have a girlfriend.
Just got added to a list called “people.” Glad I made that cut.
What time will the Easter candy be discounted?
CVS: Mam, please stop calling us. We don’t know yet.
Ok. I’ll call back later.
I’m not like those other dudes. I’ll wait until you’re dead to steal your heart.
H: I’m going to the strip club tonight.
M: okay
H: That’s it, okay?
M: Sure, just remember who prepares your food.
H: What?
M: What?
Everything was going exactly as planned and then I woke up.
I went for a job as a stunt double, I stubbed my toe on my way out the door. As soon as I stopped crying, I went to the interview. Bravery.
ME: today will be a good day
PINKY TOE SOCK SEAM: lol
[at funeral]
“my phone is vibrating”
want me to create a distraction so you can answer it?
“no, are you craz-
*points at casket* HE BLINKED
My daughter looked me dead in the eye and said “Daddy, no matter what.. We gotta keep going and hope to see another day.” I just wanna know what the hell they got going on in her pre-k that’s so stressful that she came across that saying
Kid: why do cookies look so happy?
Me: idk…maybe cuz they’re baked
Kid: I wanna get baked
Me: me too kid… me too